We ALL got that boom boom!!!!!

Ok so this has been bugging me for a little while now and I am bugged enough that I want to write about it.

I am sure you have all heard Meghan Trainor’s song ‘All about that bass’. Now, whilst I love girls who are promoting self-love I just can’t get down with any kind of ‘empowerment’ that is achieved by the need to be better than someone else. First let’s have a look at her lyrics:

“All About That Bass”

Because you know I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass, no treble

I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass, no treble

I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass, no treble

I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass

 

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size two

But I can shake it, shake it Like I’m supposed to do

‘Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase

And all the right junk in all the right places

 

I see the magazine workin’ that Photoshop

We know that shit ain’t real C’mon now, make it stop

If you got beauty, beauty, just raise ‘em up

‘Cause every inch of you is perfect From the bottom to the top

 

Yeah, my mama she told me don’t worry about your size

She says, “Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.”

You know I won’t be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll

So if that’s what you’re into then go ahead and move along

 

Because you know I’m All about that bass ‘Bout that bass, no treble

I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass, no treble

I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass, no treble

I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass

 

Hey! I’m bringing booty back

Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that

No, I’m just playing. I know you think you’re fat

But I’m here to tell ya Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

 

Yeah my mama she told me don’t worry about your size

She says, “Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.”

You know I won’t be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll

So if that’s what you’re into then go ahead and move along

 

Because you know I’m All about that bass ‘Bout that bass, no treble

I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass, no treble

I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass, no treble

I’m all about that bass ‘Bout that bass

 

…………….and it goes on to repeat itself several times.

 

Now first of all everyone has the right to express their opinion, after all that is exactly what I am doing too. I just think she has such a great framework of a song and has ever so slightly ruined it by creating a divide with women.

The main reasons for this are the following lyrics:

 

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size two But I can shake it, shake it Like I’m supposed to do ‘Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase And all the right junk in all the right places

 

Girls, if you happen to be a healthy and happy size 2 then that is what you are supposed to shake. We are not ‘supposed’ to be anything but healthy and happy. Girls with a bit of ‘junk’ are not on another team to extra slim girls. We are all on team ‘Girl’.

All boys like different things so not all boys will chase that ‘boom boom’, besides, most ‘boys’ (men if we raise our standards slightly) will be most attracted to a woman who is confident in herself and strong minded. You should work on your body for you and only you, a guy will chase you more so for putting yourself first.

 

She then goes on to bring up such an amazing point and absolutely smashes it with the next verse:

 

I see the magazine workin’ that Photoshop We know that shit ain’t real C’mon now, make it stop If you got beauty, beauty, just raise ‘em up ‘Cause every inch of you is perfect From the bottom to the top

 

Absolutely! I couldn’t agree more. What a great message. Every inch of you is perfect, so love yourself and treat yourself with nothing but love and respect. This is irrelevant of being bigger or smaller.

 

Then the bridge is simply her opinion on people who are trying to fit ‘perfect’, it’s just saying move along if you are looking for a human barbie, which is fair enough because she is simply saying that isn’t her.

 

So my last piece of song to dissect is:

 

I’m bringing booty back Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that No, I’m just playing. I know you think you’re fat But I’m here to tell ya Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

 

To nitpick ever so slightly, booty has been brought already, long ago by the likes of J-Lo and Beyonce and then of course Nicki Minaj (real or not). Booty is around and in fashion so….are you bringing it back? I am not so sure. Now, she says she is just playing after calling slim girls ‘skinny bitches’ but, come on, you are saying every inch is perfect and then again separating slim girls from curvy girls.

 

All of us are amazing. Skinny, Big, Curvy, Straight, big on top, big on bottom, small on top, small on bottom. I love that the world is starting to highlight that the perfect body comes in all shapes and sizes but that doesn’t mean we should tarnish any other shape by doing so just because it was the last in fashion. What we should aim to do is preach the importance of empowering each other for being true to ourselves and loving ourselves and each other. We do NOT reach empowerment by being better than someone else, we just stay in a vicious circle of low self-esteem.

 

So, I ask all of you beautiful Lionesses and of course Lions, look for the beauty in others and praise them for it, by doing so you will find even more beauty in yourself.

 

Meghan Trainor has released a great song with what I am sure was great intent, I just think we need to make ourselves one big massive group, or pride if you will, of perfectly, beautifully different and unique Lionesses.

 

What do you think Pride?

A little bit of crazy!

So I actually had some fun this week helping some of with you with your profiles, some really great ‘about me’s’ coming together and some really funny reads. Most importantly you are sounding like Lionesses. Keep them coming!

So on to our next disaster. As I do on occasion I decided to disappear for a month and go and see Thailand and Bali with a friend. The week before I left I started taking to a particularly nice looking guy who was a personal trainer (normally I keep away from PT’s having worked as one myself but this one was very pretty). He was polite and charming and asked if we could meet up the following week. I told him I was away for a month and he asked if we could keep in touch while I was away which was sweet.

Whilst I was away he would send me the occasional message asking how I was getting on and asking for some pictures of the landscapes. This was a nice request because it was something he was interested in and enjoyed seeing, he was taking an interest in my trip and he wasn’t asking me to send a load of pics of myself – which would have completely put me off of him.

I didn’t overhear from him either which was just as well because I was living in paradise but he was in contact enough so I looked forward to a message from him. I had something nice to look forward to going back home.

When I got home he didn’t waste any time arranging a day for us to go and have a drink. We met up and managed to park next to each other. He was even better looking in real life and greeted me with a hug. We walked into the bar and he got us a drink and we sat down. He didn’t once take his coat off which was a bit strange but it was winter.

The conversation just flowed which was nice, he actually had depth and substance and asked a lot of questions. We were laughing and talking so much that before we knew it the place was closing. We walked back to our cars and he hugged me goodbye – most importantly he didn’t try to kiss me on the first date! He messaged me later on saying he had a nice time and we arranged to meet again at the weekend. Amazing, a date that actually went well!

That weekend he messaged me to tell me he wouldn’t know for sure if he was free because his Uncle was in hospital and being moved to a hospital further away, he didn’t know what time he would be back and asked to let me know. We didn’t meet up. He messaged me to rearrange. You can never question a hospital visit – even if they give you that suspicious feeling you just have to accept it, but it was giving me a suspicious feeling.

So we came to the next day we were supposed to meet up. I didn’t hear anything from him. Nothing. Irritated, I messaged him nearer the time – something a woman should NOT have to do. I heard nothing. So I made other plans and went to see a friend. It was so strange, he didn’t contact me or reply, had he just lost interest?

The next day I received a message ‘so I had the worst day yesterday’. ‘Great do I care?’ Is what I should have said but I was unfortunately alot nicer at the time so I asked what happened and he called me. He explained how there was a load of stuff that happened at work and that he was trying to be pushed out of the gym and people were blaming him for stuff that he didn’t do and his manager was trying to set him up and he was just so angry after it all and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla! I AM SORRY, YOU WERE JUST SO ANGRY YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME????? I was not impressed at all. After him going on and on about his ‘woe is me’ story he said ‘I need to make it up to you, what happened wasn’t cool, are you free tomorrow night so we can meet up?’ I reluctantly agreed (idiot) and said I would give him one more chance (idiot again). We set a time and place to meet.

So the next day came and again I hadn’t heard from him, so I messaged him to confirm. He said could we make it an hour later he needed to get in the bath he was so tired he had slept. WHAT???? I said to him if he was so tired we could always give it a miss. He responded by telling me that it would probably be best as he was so angry from more issues at work he felt like he just wanted to punch and smash things up……! I instantly pictured our wedding and a life of happiness with this man……..or rather I rolled my eyes with boredom – what on earth? You just want to punch and smash things up? Do you expect sympathy? I never spoke to him again. I actually judge myself for giving him a second chance and wish I could say it was the last time I tolerated such poor behaviour from a male, thankfully for you guys it isn’t so there are still some very ridiculous stories to tell you.

One thing I have learnt ladies, is that when a man is truly interested in you he will make the effort and do everything he can not to let you down. If you find yourself hearing excuses and being messed around just cut him loose. You are better than that and deserve more. He should be trying to impress you and show you how valuable you are. If he isn’t then he isn’t invested and you are setting yourself up for misery. Always remember – when the heart wants something it finds a thousand ways, when it doesn’t it finds a thousand excuses’. That is the most truthful thing I have learnt.

Another extremely valuable lesson I have learnt and will at some point go into greater detail about is to always trust your instinct. Our intuition is there for a reason. Listen to it and let it guide you. Don’t give away too much too soon, time will tell you everything you need to know but never ignore your instincts. They are there for a reason and are never wrong – paranoia can be wrong but your instincts – never!

DATING DO’S AND DON’TS – PART 2

About Me section:

Ok so I realise for today’s topic there can’t be too many restrictions because the ‘About Me’ section of one’s profile is very personal and we are all very different, but I have to highlight at least some of the definite faux pas’ I have seen on online dating profiles.

First I would like to highlight my Tinder ‘find of the week’. Yes pride, this was my favourite, short but sweet, headline on Tinder:

‘Ride it like you stole it’

Well as you can imagine I immediately swiped right in hopes that I get to meet this Prince Charming and introduce him to my nearest and dearest…..OK so maybe I didn’t but it definitely got a good chuckle and a mention so good for him.

Now we have to remember that dating is supposed to be fun and exciting. We don’t want to put anything negative in our profiles because that is starting off on the wrong foot completely, so fella’s, comments in your profile such as these may not be the charming words your new lady wants to hear:

  • ‘If you ain’t gona say hi don’t bother swiping’
  • ‘Don’t wait for me to message you, come and say hi, I don’t bite’
  • ‘No negative people please’
  • ‘If you are not planning to meet up don’t waste my time’

In fact comments such as these can make girls dismiss your profile immediately. We are all aware that there are some time wasters on online dating sites, just as there are rude and vulgar people, even several outright crazies, but, there are some nice and normal people out there too so forget about the ones that are no good. Hanging on to them so much so that the frustration of them is included in your personal profile shows that you hold a grudge – an unattractive quality in anyone.

These two comments are also a visual display of your insecurities:

  • ‘If you don’t look like your pictures, your buying the drinks until you do’.
  • ‘We can say we met on the train’

Guys, come on. What kind of lady is going to be reeled in by the top comment, and why on earth would you sit and get drunk with a liar? Your paranoia is not going to have us falling into your arms. You may aswell write ‘I’m really scared that you will be ugly and I am going to look like an idiot’, you don’t need to worry about looking like an idiot, that comment has done that for you. The second comment just implies you are embarrassed about online dating, again, that gives us an impression that you are overly bothered by what the rest of the world think of you, indicating nothing but low self-esteem and fear – I don’t know about the rest of you ladies but those are not on the top of my list for favourite qualities in a man.

Look at this one I found earlier on POF:

Have a few mates on here and they said its good so I’m giving it a go. Looking for a genuine girl with a good sense of humour who does not think she’s the best thing in the world.! I’m think of myself of being quite funny, always up for a laugh and doing something different, I’m into all types of music and I enjoy drinking and socialising with my mates. If your reading this then send me a message. :)

Ok there are 3 things wrong with this

  1. ‘who does not think she’s the best thing in the world!’
  2. I’m think of myself.
  3. If your reading this then send me a message.

The overall statement is not that bad, it’s quite short and sweet but why do you have to highlight that you don’t want someone who thinks she’s the best in the world? Firstly you should want a woman who values herself – yes I know what he means but this Negative Nancy could have just left it out. It implies that you are going to see any self value as shallow and egotistical. No one has time for an emotionally unstable, over proud man – sorry!

Just go back and read your profile out loud to yourself – ‘I’m think of myself’, I am almost certain that he wouldn’t say that in a sentence so just proofread your words would you!  (I really hope I haven’t made any errors in this post – haha the shame!)

Change the 3rd one to something like ‘If you like what you are reading then it would be great to hear from you’ – that sounds nice. Just because I am reading your profile it does not mean that I will want to message you, just think how the words will sound to someone who doesn’t know you, (am I being too picky now?).

Just be you, write a bit about what you enjoy, places you have been, the things you consider good about yourself. The right kind of people will find you and the wrong ones will soon disappear anyway. What you think about you bring about so don’t project negativity on your profile.

Ladies, I can’t simply give the guys a good telling off when I have seen some frightful things from you too. My favourite read of all time was a profile of someone I know. Their profile was great, it really summed up who they were, it was classy and sweet and witty…….and then it was ruined by one sentence:

 

‘Yes, in case you couldn’t tell I do prefer a chocolate man’.

 

Are you kidding me? It’s fine to have a type, when you are searching through profiles you can select your type down to every nitty-gritty detail, but come on really, putting that you prefer ‘a CHOCOLATE man’ on your profile? That gave me a laugh if nothing else. Oh and in case you were wondering, it did not invite a string of perfect suitors into her life, quite the opposite.

I came across this statement on a woman’s profile earlier:

Hey, been here before came back as im bored,not gonna ramble for ages about random rubbish,im pretty chilled and love relaxing, i work hard yea im boring myself already so ill shut up aha x

You are here because you are bored? I don’t know if this is just me but someone who is bored in life is not living. Your world is a reflection of you. If you are bored get up and live. To then say ‘yea im boring myself already so ill shut up aha’ – I mean, seriously, what? That translates to ‘I really don’t like myself so I am hoping someone else will like me to make me feel worth something’. You cannot advertise how much you dislike yourself and expect someone to respect you when you are publicly disrespecting yourself.

I could go on about this subject for a very long time. Your profile is similar to a CV. You wouldn’t write the following in your personal statement on your Curriculum Vitae to impress a potential employer:

 

‘Yeh I only work because I have to, sometimes I call in sick because I fancy a day off. I will try to do as little as possible. But I am fun to go out drinking with’.

 

You just wouldn’t do it would you. You need to set your standards high and publicly declaring (even in disguise) your lack of self value instantly sets low standards.

Anyone who would like help with their profile is more than welcome to contact me. You can email me confidentially at mountainess1@gmail.com.

Next we can go on a date with the hot personal trainer, who wanted to meet me but I was leaving the country for a month, so he kept in contact, was very polite, very interested in me and full of anger issues…..Great!!!!!

Until next time Pride!

Yes Miss!

IMG_9968.JPG

Inspire others to shine their light. By you living a life of truth and happiness you help give others the courage to do the same. You are a teacher and your actions are lessons to the world. Think about what you are teaching others.

Are you everything you want to be? If not, start being, you got this!

1234……1,2…….3,4!

So after some time to heal and relax and go on a couple of lame dates that aren’t even worth the story I decided it was time to get myself back out there, into the big scary world of dating. I chose the same online dating site I went to last time, the oh so glorious POF. Only this time I chose some normal and natural pictures:  A nice one of just me, one of me out having fun, one of me balancing on a car tyre (I had started an exercise class using all car and lorry tyres, besides it was me looking my worst and people need to see me and love me that way) and one of me and a friend. I chose pictures that were plain and simple. I wrote my profile out, I didn’t tell my life story but I summed up who I was shortly and sweetly.

Being a female on these sites means that your are pretty much guaranteed to have messages pouring in. Again a lot of them will be hopeless: ‘Hi’, ‘Hey babe’ ‘I heard there is a party in your pants this weekend and I have a VIP ticket’, you know the usual rubbish you wouldn’t reply too. I had decided that I was going to be a bit fussy and wait to find someone polite, respectful and nice. I have a rule on these sites to never message first. Maybe I am a bit old-fashioned but I think it’s nice for a man to approach a woman, kind of the natural order of things. So I would look through the messages and if someone had bothered to show me they had read my profile or say something nice or funny I would check out their profile.

One guy had sent me a message about my tyre balancing picture. I looked at his profile, it was clear he was in the army and his pictures were all nice and respectable, there were photos of him in his uniform, out with friends, being active – all acceptable images. So we had a bit of conversation about my class and he told me he was a PTI – which basically means he was a personal trainer for the army.

There wasn’t too much excitement through our messages and often I wouldn’t reply simply because there was nothing to reply to but he was polite and did make an effort. Eventually he asked me out for a drink and I accepted, why not, he was nice enough.

He lived quite far away and he suggested we meet somewhere a lot closer to me than to him which I thought was sweet, he found a bar, sent me the website link for it and we arranged a time.

I always get pre date nerves, it’s a feeling I quite enjoy now, those butterflies in your stomach as you fret about the first meet. I found the bar and found parking. I was a little bit early so I waited nervously in my car. I rang him on the way into the bar and he said he was walking in, I looked around and couldn’t see him. I told him I was at the bar and he said he was also at the bar……well why can’t I see him then???? He wasn’t being very helpful on the phone so I asked the barman what road we were on and told him to do the same, there were three of the same bar in close proximity to one another and we had turned up to two different ones. He tried to make a joke that he had sent me the link as if to blame me…..Really? Don’t you think I used that link to get this address??? I followed your instructions! Of course it is my fault!!!! I told him to wait where he was as I knew the area better (my sat nav did anyway) and I would be there soon.

I finally turned up at the right place and he was waiting at the bar for me. He was a good-looking guy and dressed nicely. Ok this could be good. He got us both a drink and we went and sat down. He wasn’t very talkative and seemed a little bit shy so I went straight into rambling mode and fired questions at him. He was a sweet guy, he had some fun stories and his job was quite interesting. He kept going back to my tyre class and giving me suggestions for different exercises I could use in it. ‘Ok, great thanks’ it was really nice of him to help…..he had lots of different ideas ‘Yes I already have that exercise….and that one….and that one…..oh sod it just pretend you have never heard of these exercises before, he clearly doesn’t think you have a clue what you are doing’………..he really wanted to help me with my class……’oh man I have written out this class and been teaching it just fine, I didn’t come here for research’. I think it was down to his nerves that he spoke so much about fitness with me, it was a safety net for him and something we could both relate to but it was boring me to the ground. He was talking to me like I had no idea what I was doing, telling me what I could do rather than actually finding out anything about what I was already doing – if he had then he wouldn’t be suggesting all the ideas I was already using. I wasn’t here doing market research so I was starting to drift off in to my own thoughts.

 

I couldn’t spend the evening listening to this so I decided to steer the conversation in a new direction (one really effective tool to do this is to ask a man a lot of questions about himself and then seem impressed any chance you get. This is fun for you too as you get to put your acting skills to the test and have some fun) It was easy to seem impressed with this guy’s stories because he had been in the army for a very long time, so all I had to do was ask him about things he had been through and then seem worried or scared by the story followed by a ‘your so brave’ facial expression or response.

Still, after some time even that was boring me, I looked at my watch and figured I could get out of there within 30 minutes without looking rude, he started to tell me about where he was stationed now and that he often gets to meet the royal family and how everyone acts around them (oh no Rach, just keep acting like an impressed female), I was bored and couldn’t be bothered to entertain this boring guy anymore so it was time to be me again “I could never do what you do, I could never act extra polite to someone just because they are ‘royal’, to me everyone is the same, like I am about to curtsey just because someone wears a crown…..” and I went on and on about how no life is more important than another and how no other human can really tell another what to do. He was looking at me with one of two looks:

Look A – Wow this girl is rebellious and fun, I kinda like how crazy she is it’s really impressive, she is bringing my soul to life right now. Thank you God for sending me on this date, please let me be worthy of more time spent basking in her greatness.

OR

Look B – Is this girl for real, my life is spent taking orders and I am disciplined and organised, this girl is a liability and sounds like she could do with a good dose of discipline herself, wow if she was under my order she wouldn’t last 5 minutes, she can’t be serious, get me the hell out of here.

I am going to assume it was Look A, but, considering we didn’t speak again after that evening I am willing to accept that I could possibly be mistaken. I wasn’t upset though, that guy was so boring. Being able to control a conversation so easily doesn’t interest me. Being able to manipulate a situation isn’t fun when it is with a potential partner. We were just completely different people and that was that.

Often it is easy to take it personally when you don’t hear from someone again, we can question why and wonder what is wrong with us. It is so important to remember that what will be will be and what isn’t meant to be, won’t. It is as simple as that. The universe has its own little way of making sure that we have exactly what we need and it takes away what we don’t. Accepting this will save you from a heap of self-doubt and mouse-type thoughts. If someone is meant to be in your life they will, don’t try to force it.

So I definitely need a nap now after remembering that soul sucking evening and then we have to cover our next topic on our dating do’s and don’ts because there are a lot of topics that desperately need covering.

Until next time pride!

DATING DO’S AND DON’TS – Part 1

Ok so while I am taking some much-needed time to heal and recover from Mr Disaster part 1, I am going to take the opportunity to add in some do’s and don’ts of online dating. I have many conversations with many people about dating, us single folk are all doing it after all so I am going to honour us with the title of dating professionals. There are many, many unexplainable things being done by both men and women and there are many good things. I think it is necessary to highlight – from my point of view (and maybe the views of a few other lions and lionesses I have been speaking to) some of the Do’s and Don’ts of a) online dating and b) actually being on a date. So here goes…

 

The topics I feel need highlighting are as follows -

ONLINE DATING:

  • Picture choices
  • ‘About me’ section
  • First message
  • Conversation

BEING ON A DATE:

  • First message
  • Conversation
  • Home time
  • Saying goodbye
  • The ‘home ok check’

 

So for today let’s cover our first topic – Picture choices:

Something of a hot topic between me and my friends is to discuss picture choices on online dating sites, some of which are shockingly bad. Most dating sites have a profile in which you can describe what you are looking for, (everything I am writing about is on the basis you are looking for more than a one night stand, with the exception of tinder where you pretty much have no idea, I am going on the basis you have clearly displayed that you are looking to date). ((This may also help those of you on sites like tinder that are looking for more than some fun between the sheets with a random stranger)).

Fellas, there are some things you do well and some things that you do…..shall we politely say not so well – that leave us thinking you are morons. These are as follows:

  • Every picture is a group of you and your friends – HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH ONE YOU ARE????  STOP DOING THIS! One picture with a group of friends is fine but we are not psychic. DO NOT put pictures up with your incredibly hot friend either, you are setting us up for disappointment.

 

  • Every picture is from your last holiday in Ibiza – Ibiza does not have a reputation of people going for the rich culture, soul-searching adventures or mind stimulating and humbling opportunities. Whether or not you can find these there it has a reputation for the opposite. So wearing your ‘ I heart Ibiza’ top with glow stick halos around your head whilst pointing at your friend’s rear end that he is showing to the world and two half-naked women either side of you doesn’t scream ‘potential boyfriend’ to any respectable girl! Take them down!

 

  • Crotch pictures – I actually cannot believe that anyone who puts these up is looking for more than sex but, goodness me, could you take them down anyway please. I can’t speak for everyone of course but I haven’t met a fellow female yet who has admitted that seeing a bulge out of your boxers on the screen of her phone really gets her going.

 

  • Pictures with your top off – now there are some exceptions to this, if you are on a beach or doing an activity in which it makes sense you have your top off then fine, but if you are simply posing it gives an impression that you are arrogant and love yourself too much. We can see if you appear to have a good shape or not through your T-Shirt so don’t be so quick to bare-all.

 

  • Cringy, squinty-eye selfies trying to look ‘bad’.  YUK

 

  • Pictures of you cozying up with another woman – I don’t care if it is your sister or your best friend, don’t do it, it looks like you are still hung up on an ex – that is our first thought!

The Do’s I will add in because some of you have really got the picture thing down and whether or not you have planned it that way you deserve some credit, so carry on with the following:

  • Family events, weddings, christenings, your Nan’s 80th perhaps. Photos where you are dressed smart and showing that you enjoy family time!

 

  • Pictures with your nieces and nephew’s – perhaps even your own children (if you have them), ((however, sometimes it is best not to use these as your first picture because it is nice to just see you to start with)). These clearly show us that there is a possible future and that you like children (this activates something in a woman to say you will be an appropriate mate, even if we are nowhere (NOWHERE) near ready for kids ourselves!

 

  • Pictures of fun days out, even if they are selfies this is fine, keep them natural though ok!

The same can apply to women, ladies, no man will take you seriously and respect you if you have pictures up of you pouting like a duck straight into the lens or you are in your underwear. Caking yourself in make up screams that you hate yourself. A great tip is to ask your friends (the ones who you can trust) which photos they like of you and why, in particular if you have any close male friends they can give you some great tips and an opinion from the other side.

First impressions count as this is when we form a judgement of someone and you don’t want to give a man any reason to think you are easy purely from your photos, you will just be asking for trouble.

Now, perhaps you should think on that and in time we will get to some of the other points, meanwhile we have to meet the next date which will of course be posted next week, another boring evening of my life that was good for me polishing my conversational skills with almost mute strangers. I could honestly make good conversation with a slug!

If I have missed out any pictures that should be in the do or don’t pile please let me know below, other than that, have a great and powerful week Pride!

The first good thing…….that was bad

‘Set yourself high standards, after all, people will only meet the standards you set, they won’t raise them for you’.

Ok so Mr Disaster, where do I begin with him. He was a big, tall and attractive guy who trained at the Gym that I worked in. After I had my complete meltdown due in part to extremely painful break up, I had started to rebuild myself.  I got back into my training and had a sort of new lease of life.  Mr Disaster was someone who had recently started training with a few other guys in the gym. He was nice looking and there was something about him that I liked.  He wasn’t your typical young weightlifting male. He was humble and polite.  A friend introduced me to the group of them as an evil and militant trainer and said that they should train with me and eventually that is what started happening. A group of 4 guys on a Friday night and normally my friend would join or another PT would get involved. It certainly caused a lot of attention having one young woman pushing all these guys. It became a regular thing and they started participating in my spin class too.  Mr Disaster took my number and would text me when he wanted to be booked into the class or let me know if he couldn’t make it.

I remember speaking to my friend who worked in sales about him, she told me that at the time he had signed up he had been on the phone to his girlfriend so be aware of that.  Instantly I pulled back my little excited feeling and took it that we would just be friends in case he was still with someone.  We got talking in the gym one night just the two of us, we were talking for a good hour. We talked about lots of things, past relationships – no mention of a girlfriend – our careers and dreams – no mention of a girlfriend – family stuff – no mention of a girlfriend. I was subtle but left the door open for him to say if he had a girlfriend….no mention of a girlfriend – great, maybe there was a little spark here then.  How exciting.  He worked in sales in the city and was also building his own clothing brand.  He worked hard at it too.  I liked this guy, he was tall and a bit rough around the edges and he had banter.  He would come up with a new nickname for me every other day and he would always have me laughing.  We could also talk about serious stuff too, we would challenge each others opinions, we would argue and then be laughing two minutes later.  He started to text me from morning until night. Without fail I would hear from him.  I would even try to put my new self-esteem lioness attitude to the test and not reply to him if he hadn’t written anything exciting enough.  It worked, sure enough he would text again a couple of hours later.  This guy was definitely into me.  He then started to call me, he would text and call me all day and we would just be laughing and arguing and debating and getting to know each other on the phone.  Things were really looking up, someone decent had come along.

Eventually when we were training together one day he asked what I was doing on the friday – EEEEK he was finally asking me out!!!!!!! – I kept it cool and told him I might be teaching until later on but would be free after.  He told me that his work mates were all going out and that he wanted me to come too.  Ok, I have to go out with all his work mates, how terrifying.  Breathe Rachel and just do it.  Take an opportunity.  This is a nice guy who is clearly interested, go and have a good time. I mean for crying out loud he wants to show you off in front of the people who he works with, who he makes you speak to on speaker phone while he is at work.  This was a good sign, Ok frick!  What do I wear?  So I go shopping and I buy an outfit.

The guy does not stop ringing me to check that I am definitely going to come.  Wow, going on a date, this is madness.  So I choose an outfit and Friday finally comes.  They are all going out at 6 but that is too early so I decide to get there a bit later, he does not stop ringing me and messaging me, goodness me I am coming just let me get ready.  Somehow I have to be there at 6:30 on a Friday.  Ok Ok Ok I am coming.

I get a lift to the station, uh oh, I didn’t think it would take this long to get there.  I am going to be over an hour late.  Oh god.  Ok I better ring him and tell him. So I do ‘Mr Disaster I think they have moved the train station because apparently it is going to take me an hour to get there and I really thought it would be quicker I am so sorry’ he gets angry ‘what the f**k, no that isn’t cool, you think your time is more important than other people’s bla bla bla bla bla…’ oh god this is not good ‘no, I really don’t and I am so sorry I really didn’t mean it’.  I get another ear bashing through the phone and I am starting to feel a bit upset, I mean, it’s a friday night who is out at 6:30 anyway?  I genuinely didn’t mean to be more than 30 mins late…..after all I am a woman.  So he is getting ruder and angrier and I am feeling annoyed ‘I can just go back home if you don’t want me to come now it’s no problem?’  He slightly changes his tune and tells me to hurry up and that he will meet me at the station.  When I arrive I ring him, it is raining outside – FRICK I didn’t bring an umbrella, my hair is going to be a mess.  He is on his way to me……bitching and moaning and shouting at me, telling me to start walking and meet him.  At first I try to follow his directions but I am going the wrong way, which makes him shout at me even more.  I finally find him, by this point I have threatened to go home again and actually feel really upset.  This is not what I had planned at all.

So we eventually get into the bar, put our jackets in the cloak room and I sort my rain-soaked self out quickly in the ladies and go and meet his colleagues.  They are all very nice and one of them makes a point to tell me how clear it is that Mr Disaster likes me.  He isn’t making too much effort to talk to me though and I feel a bit left in the lurch with a load of people I don’t know.  Eventually he comes over and it is just us talking, he makes no effort to hide that he is interested in me.  He is asking me some questions about my ex who he had also briefly known from the gym.  So I tell him and then ask him when his last relationship was.  The next sentence actually paused time for me momentarily and I will never forget it:  ‘See im kind of with someone and have been for 5 years’……IM SORRY WHAT THE HELL??? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL???? WHAT?  My brain starts going at 100 miles an hour, filled with confusion, hurt, anger, disbelief and that sort of car crash feeling.  He finishes his sentence….’and the only reason I never told you was because you never asked’ OH…..OF COURSE….HOW ABSOLUTELY STUPID OF ME!!!!!!  This is the first time something seemed to be going good for me in a long time and there is a part of me that wants to drop to the floor and just give up, but, there is a new part of me.  A part that I have built with the help of my own determination and a few amazing other people.  A part of me that knows that there is nothing wrong with me, nothing shameful about having feelings for this idiot, nothing I have done wrong.  But he has, he has treated me badly and that doesn’t make me the idiot (easy to say but not so easy to feel).

I’m smiling but it isn’t a happy smile, ‘why am I here then?’  I ask.  ‘Because I like you a lot and have feelings for you, I didn’t know what to do, trust me.  I even asked the guys at work what I should do..’ OH YOU POOR THING, HOW YOU SURVIVE EACH DAY I JUST DONT KNOW.  I briefly process a million thoughts of the past the present and the future as he talks about his dead-end relationship and how he moved from South London to North London with her and it caused a load of problems with his family and that they don’t really have sex anymore and all these things she doesn’t do and just for a moment, I feel sympathy.  I know that feeling, being with my ex for 9 years it was exactly the same.  Thankfully my brain pulls itself together and I smile, he looks at me and says ‘ your pissed with me aren’t you?’  I look back at him and say into his ear ‘Mr Disaster, I am not pissed, I have just met every type of coward there is now, I understand your situation I really do but please understand that I had the balls to get out of my bad situation and certainly didn’t lie or mislead anyone.  Now I am going to go to the ladies and then I am going to go and get my jacket, I have tickets for both yours and mine, so you need to come with me to get yours, then I am going home.  We went and got our jackets.  He spent some time dragging me outside to try to talk and explain to me that normally he would just ‘have sex and go’ but with me it was different and he couldn’t lie to me and he really cares about me and wants us to be friends and BLA BLA BLA.  I had to get out of here.  I went to the ladies, wow I am a little too drunk for this.  I stopped inside the cubicle and let myself break just for half a second, I took a deep breath and pulled myself together.  This idiot did not deserve my tears, he certainly wasn’t going to get the satisfaction of seeing me cry for him.  I didn’t look anywhere, just kept my head down and ran out of the bar.  I am very good at running away when I need to and he didn’t see me.

I got as far away as I thought was safe and I broke down.  I couldn’t hold the tears in anymore.  I text Katie (my little sister) to say I was going to hers – I had keys to get in so whether she was up or not I was going.  I then rang a friend to cry to her.  The best person I could think of.  She was great aswell and really made me feel together enough to get on the train.  When I got out at the station I had lots of messages on my phone asking where I was, I ignored them and rang my friend back but he kept ringing so finally I answered. ‘WHAT?’  I shouted ‘Rachel where are you? Are you still in Central?’  I had one response:  ‘WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHERE SHE IS’ I practically screamed at him.  I wouldn’t let him speak and hung up.  I erased his number, his Facebook, his Instagram and his Twitter.  I got rid of all the messages we had ever sent to each other.  Done.  I got to Katie’s, demanded she order me a pizza and opened a bottle of wine – a scientifically proven way of coping with pain.  He of course messaged me a long sorry essay but unfortunately words meant nothing to me anymore, I’d heard too many of them.

That weekend I was on a course, not really a great time to have a hangover or heartbreak but nothing was going to stop me doing something good for me.  I didn’t stop hearing from him.  LEAVE ME ALONE, for goodness sake let me just get on with my life.  On the Sunday I decided to speak to him and tell him how I felt.  I explained that I had feelings for him and that what he had done was unfair, he said he had feelings for me too and that he was really sorry and just wanted us to be friends.  I told him I didn’t need any more friends and that he needed to stay away from me so I could heal.  He promised he would leave me alone.  He didn’t, he would still message me, I would ignore him or ask him what he wanted and then tell him to stop contacting me again.  I felt like such a lioness, I had been honest and not ashamed of my feelings but hadn’t stood for being mistreated.  I was growing up, becoming a strong and confident woman!  Eventually the messages cut right down and I didn’t hear from him.  That was the end of Mr Disaster…………….or so I thought.

I think it is important to remember that you should never be ashamed of your feelings. Never be afraid to tell someone they have upset you for fear of being told you are over reacting or that you will look silly.  Your feelings are there for a reason and they should be considered and respected.  It is important to set yourself standards and be clear on your boundaries and do not compromise these for anyone.  You have to love and respect yourself first and foremost, after all, you are fabulous.