Life was going pretty smoothly when Mr Disaster decided to message me again. He was inviting me out for a drink and somehow I read his message to mean that a few people from the gym were going out. I assumed it was his excuse to message me so I thought why not, I didn’t have feelings for him anymore so let bygones be bygones. Turns out it was just him and another friend and I completely read the message wrong – IDIOT!!!!! Maybe I was meant to read that message wrong who knows. I went anyway and had a good time catching up, I didn’t give him an easy time by any means but it was all very friendly and nice! He did try to message me again after that but I pretty much ignored him. I had no intention of getting back into old habits with him and yes, he was still with his girlfriend.
A few months later I was in Thailand in my dorm in a hostel in Krabi when I received a message – MR DISASTER – I laughed because I always hear from him at a strange time in my life when things are going really well. So I replied saying I was away and he said that him and our friend wanted to see what I was doing so we could all meet up again. When I got back from Thailand he got in contact with me and we started talking again.
With Mr Disaster it was a very tricky situation. We were just connected. I wanted to be respectful of his relationship but at the same time they were clearly not in love, they were clearly together for the sake of it and I had been in that situation and gotten out of it. It’s hard to take a relationship like that seriously. Having said that I would never get involved with someone who was in a relationship so friendship would be as far as this could ever go.
Pretty soon we were messaging all the time again, mostly about nonsense but making each other laugh. He started calling me again and we would be on the phone for ages talking rubbish and making each other laugh. We would talk seriously too and he would entertain my whole day. One evening we were on the phone and all of a sudden the call cut off – I knew 100% that his girlfriend has just come home – I called back, no answer, he messages me saying ‘I don’t want to argue with this girl’ I reply ‘excuse me?’ ‘my girlfriend’ he replies. I told him that we shouldn’t talk if it was a problem and he assured me it wasn’t and then went on to tell me that the phone just cut off and there was a problem with the network – Yeh sure genius, because I am a fricking idiot aren’t I!!!! – I called him the next day and explained that we weren’t friends, we spoke all day every day and I felt like I was doing something wrong and didn’t like it. He tried to convince me otherwise but I just wouldn’t have it. That was that. He wished me luck with a guy I had recently been on a first date with – our very own Mr Angry PT guy – and said that I deserved happiness and we left it there.
Over the next week I still heard from him and I would tell him to leave me alone, it was the usual routine where he ignores me and messages anyway. I was at a bit of loose end. The guy I was due to go out with again turned into a bit of a weirdo – as we know so I got rid of him. – I was feeling a little bit lost with my work and my life and now I had to deal with saying goodbye to Mr Disaster AGAIN! Why am I punishing myself, we are only talking to each other, I don’t know his girlfriend, I don’t owe her anything, I’m certainly not going to be the other woman so I’m not doing anything wrong. Why do I always have to do the right thing for everybody else. Right now it isn’t hurting me to talk to him so why do I have to make myself suffer by stopping. So I did something that I never expected to do and Mr Disaster certainly didn’t expect me to do it. I sent him a message, just a confused face, that was it but I knew that was enough. He hadn’t been on his Whatsapp on this phone for a couple of days but the second he saw the message he responded. I had a go at him – ‘why did you ever have to message me again, why couldn’t you just leave me be?, I was fine before you came back into my life and now I have to say goodbye to someone I get on with and I haven’t even done anything wrong!’ He simply replied ‘would you like to go for a drink tonight?’ We arranged to meet up somewhere local to both of us, I was actually secretly a bit excited – only because it had been so long, not because I had feelings…of course….because we are just friends.
We ended up having a really nice catch up and…..no, you should know me better than that by now! We didn’t stay out too long and we just had a nice friendly time. He messaged me straight after saying he had a nice time and we went back to talking as normal.
I kept saying I didn’t have feelings for him but the only person I was fooling was myself and to be honest, I wasn’t doing a very good job of that either. Mr Disaster was something else in my life. He was refreshing, he didn’t hide that he cared about me (unlike many of the other bad apples), he fought for my attention, he listened, he joked, he was serious. I felt so relaxed talking to him, I didn’t feel like I was bugging him – I couldn’t really he always bugged me – I didn’t feel like a nuisance to him, it wasn’t too serious and there was no pressure. We just got on like a house on fire, we could talk about nothing all day every day and we did. People like that don’t come into your life everyday and when they do it means something. We were like magnets, the closer we got the more powerful the force. I knew that this couldn’t last. Truth was he was no way going to be brave enough to leave his girlfriend and setup on his own, he was too proud and way too afraid. I knew that I wouldn’t tolerate this ‘friendship’ going nowhere for much longer. With him it was easy to fall and I knew he had fallen too.
A couple of weeks later it was my friend’s birthday party and he had again asked me if I wanted to go for a drink so my friend suggested I invite him to the party instead. I was excited that he was coming but in general I just wanted to go out and celebrate my friend’s birthday. I had still been a bit stressed at that time and had been feeling anxiety creep its way back into my life. I just wanted to go and have a few drinks and let my hair down.
I had more than a few drinks and was quite drunk quite quickly. Mr Disaster turned up and looked….well…..like himself and I was very drunkenly happy in my little world. The problem was I wasn’t happy and me getting drunk was a nice little escape from my crazy head. Somehow a conversation was triggered by my friend about the two of us and she was warning him to treat me nicely, the next thing I remember he is talking about how I wouldn’t be able to trust him if he left his girlfriend and got with me. I was saying something along the lines of my usual jargon ‘you have missed out on the best thing you could have’ – please be assured this isn’t a ploy to get him to leave his girlfriend, I would never want that kind of pressure on me. Imagine it didn’t work out, I would feel responsible for the whole thing…..no way, I don’t need that on my head. – So then the worst thing in the world that I could imagine doing happened…I got upset and… yep, I fricking started crying – IDIOT…IDIOT….IDIOT!!!!!! Another friend saw me upset and asked me if he should tell Mr Disaster to go and I said yes, the last thing I wanted was for anyone else to see me upset so I just concentrated on looking normal (yeh right). He wouldn’t go without talking to me and seeing if I was alright. He took me outside and I wasn’t really interested in talking to him, I didn’t want him around while I was upset. I shouted at him and he left. My friend got me back to his to sleep it off. I later found a message on my phone from him that said something along the lines of:
I hate that I am the reason you are upset. A man should know a woman’s worth and you are worth a lot. It’s time for me to step up and do the right thing so I will leave you alone forever now.
To the best of my memory that is what he wrote. Ok so underneath the cosmetics of pretty compliments all I hear from this is that I am going to let you go. Someone willing to let you go is never worth it, just for future reference.
I was so confused when I woke up. Why did it always get like this between us. A big final cut off, why couldn’t we just enjoy our friendship. I rang him and told him straight that I didn’t want him to leave his girlfriend for me, I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him and that I was only interested in being his friend (why I was hanging on here I do not know). I don’t think he liked hearing that, not that he would ever admit it. A couple of days went by and something really didn’t feel right. My head was all over the place. I spoke to one of my closest friends and she told me to stop beating around the bush and just deal with the situation once and for all. So I did. I asked him how he felt about me and he told me ‘I like you and I think you are an amazing individual but I can’t be with you at the moment because I have a girlfriend’. This is exactly the type of message I expected and I simply needed to hear it. I said to him ‘Mr Disaster I like you too, I can pretend I don’t but I do. If this isn’t going anywhere then I need to walk away for good this time. You saying you can’t be with me at the moment means you want to hold me there and I deserve better.’ He tried to say life was a bitch but I told him that life is exactly what you make it.
I used my anger that day to face my fear of doing my first handstand….ok so it was against the wall but I still did it, it was something I had been trying to do for so long that all of my colleagues were even desperately trying to help me do it. It may sound silly but it was something I was too scared to do so I asked myself ‘am I going to live a life of fear like this fool? Hell no!’ So I did something I was scared to do – even if it sounds small I felt great afterwards.
I have ignored him since. I erased his numbers and all of our messages. He messaged me but I ignored him. He called me once and I didn’t recognise the number since I erased it, I very quickly got off of the phone. I was done with him. It still hurt, I carried on with everything as normal but I did have feelings for Mr Disaster and you can’t control feelings. He was someone who was in my life morning until night, non stop. Someone I really connected with and someone I could not hate. The truth is I just love me more now days and I won’t be second best to anyone. Show me that you see my worth or I will show you nothing. Simple as. Still doesn’t stop the pain of walking away from someone you care about but it sure as hell makes it easier! Goodbye Mr Disaster, forever and ever…..or….until Part 3 – Great!