The ‘Single Disease’

Although everything I write about today is true, it is also written with a pinch of salt and a little exaggeration for entertainment value. Today I am a voice for all of us out there that are single and…..wait for it……happy!!!!! I know right? Single and happy? Is that even possible? Well yes it is and guess what, we are sick of being treated like it’s a disease being single.

I have been on both sides of the spectrum. I was in a very long-term relationship for most of my teenage and early adult years and I have also been single for a good while.  I have also dipped my toe in and out of the ‘dating sea’. It is safe to say they are two different worlds.

Being single is seen as somewhat of a curse by all those that are safely coupled up around you (of course with the exception of a few people, but I am talking in general before anyone objects….and then goes back to snuggle with their other half). You are continuously asked about your dating success and when you haven’t found love with a recent ‘potential’ or you are not dating you are thrown looks of pity and given words of encouragement. I would like to point out that in about 98% of these cases we haven’t sought advice on how to console our ‘miserable and lonely’ existences, nor have we implied that we are unhappy being single.

We are also treated like children or animals, by which I mean decisions are made for us that wouldn’t be done if we had a significant other, for example:

• Where we will sit at events and how we feel about that.
• Where we will be accommodated and who we will share with – and how we will feel about that
• What will be done with us when we are amongst a group of other couples – and how we will feel about that
• What we will be available for and how we can help out – and how we will feel about that
• What is important in our lives and what is not – and how we feel about those

If we are not on the road to marriage or children – god forbid we have other priorities – then we are seen as lonely and pathetic – we are pitied and decisions need to be made for us (because obviously we can’t make good ones otherwise we would have met someone). Perhaps our careers are taken seriously but that is about it. Now imagine the same considerations listed above were given to a couple – you know, decisions made for them. Oh no I don’t think so, both their individual needs have to be considered in any given situation and it is perfectly acceptable for them both to be as difficult, fussy or demanding as they like. If a single person does this then they are committing a crime or even worse, being irrational. What is it about being in a couple that makes you superior to those that aren’t?

Well, I have some things to say about this:

• I don’t want to be sat next to your weird nervous friend and expect to be the person that entertains them – If you attempt to do this, I will instead talk non stop about myself and my meaningless existence unless I am paid a wage to do otherwise. Entertainment is to be valued and you pay for what you get – no wage – no entertainment.
• I am not happy to be placed in a vehicle or room with any Tom, Dick or Harry. Instead, I will place myself at my home, where I will enjoy the company far better and am able to sleep naked and sing to myself.
• If I am the only person in the group to not have a significant other, leave an extra space at the table or event anyway, we can pretend that one day it will be filled and I will not be unhappy and alone forever – It’s good to dream. Failing that I will bring my cat and we will both beg for extra food.
• I am busy, always – just assume this. I will not be happy to be a dogs-body. In fact anything you want from me you should request well in advance. My social life is packed full of fun events that are far more tempting than your partners, mothers, friend’s dog’s birthday party. Ask one of your couple friends for help then you get two sets of hands, my nails are far too pretty to work.
• My life is free and exciting and I am on a road of self discovery. Enlightenment is a stone’s throw away. Everything in my life is valuable and the way I choose it. It is all important. I care much more about my next adventure than your new garden table.
• I am not gossip for you. Just because you are settling into evenings in front of the television and cleaning nappy’s it does not mean you should look to my dating life – or lack thereof – to get your gossip fix. Yes we notice that you look disappointed when we have none for you. May I recommend Jeremy Kyle instead perhaps.

Being single is not a curse. Settling with someone so you are not alone IS!

I have so much fun in my own company. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want without the responsibility of compromise. Yes falling in love will be great, building a family will be magical and taken into consideration a handful of people before I make any single little decision in my life will surely make me feel more complete than I can ever imagine – when the time is right. Not a moment before because quite frankly, I am totally and utterly in love with myself. I get to explore places, take in the world, learn amazing things and live each day in wonder. I am not lonely being alone. I do not want to rush my life and being me is so much fun. Whilst you are cooking dinner and making children and seeking other couples to double date with I am living my life too, just in my way. I am sleeping in a quiet bedroom that is disturbed only by the sound of my cat purring – this does not make me a lonely cat lady – I am cleaning up after only me – and I am pretty tidy. I am not surrounded by noise and people demanding from me. I still understand priorities because I have my own that are important to me. Just because I don’t want children tomorrow it doesn’t mean I have no meaning in my life. Just because I go for long walks alone or with a friend it does not mean there is no magic in my life.

I am not unhappy and I am not desperately searching for someone to validate my life.

Where is the celebration for this? Where are all the presents for me being me? Where are all the nice clothes and traditions for being independent and happy? Quite frankly your relationships cost far too much, you get married (find someone to have sex with forever)  and have children (by having sex with that person)  and we have to celebrate this and shower you with gifts, it costs us time, money and energy. Where is the celebration for the time we have given you? Where is the celebration for being celibate for so long? Surely that is an achievement? Where is the equality?

All jokes aside, I am very happy for those around me that have found someone truly amazing. It fills me with happiness to see them happy and loved and respected. To see them build families and loving homes is so special. I very much enjoy being around them. But, I wouldn’t trade places with them for the world. I feel that same happiness toward my life. So please, those of you that do any of the above, consider the possibility that your single friends probably don’t want to be you, they probably turn up to a lot of events because they love and support you but may not always want to do the couple thing, family thing or snotty children thing. They are there because they love and support you. Do the same to them and treat them like a respectable adult who has opinions and preferences too.

Here’s to each of you Pride, each one of you individually, coupled up or not. We are all fabulous.

Take responsibility!

So often us women tear down men for the way we are treated:

“He doesn’t make enough effort with me”.

“He doesn’t message me enough”.

“He never calls me on the phone”.

“Why hasn’t he asked me out yet”.

“Why does he always put his friends first”.

“Why doesn’t he dress smart when we go out”.

“If he just changed a little bit he would be perfect”.

And so on…..

But the thing is girls, you are the ones accepting this behaviour and by doing so deeming it acceptable. You hold these high standards but yet you are not making anyone actually meet them. Instead you accept this shoddy behaviour and expect the man to raise the ‘standard’ bar himself. Well, he is not going to do that.

If you don’t like how you are being treated then DON’T PUT UP WITH IT. Address the issue with him perhaps once and if it continues – walk away. You will soon see if he is willing to meet your standards and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If he isn’t willing to do that then why on earth would you even want him around? Stop digging your claws into deadweight guys and start living your life the way you want it to be and do it for you. You deserve it. It’s not about being demanding or high maintenance, it’s about only accepting the best in life which I am sure is what you are offering a partner in return.

You don’t need the wrong man you need the right one and the only way you will ever meet him is if you cut away all the men who are far from good enough for you. have some self-respect and treat yourself by the same standards you want someone else to treat you. You can survive a little bit of heartbreak, disappointment and insecurity whilst you forget about the latest deadbeat. To live a life being treated like you are not a Queen just so you don’t run the risk of living alone for a small while IS NOT living. It is clinging.

Demand more for yourself through your actions. You don’t need to give someone a list of rules or tell them off for what they aren’t doing. Just know that you will not stay for something that isn’t worth it and prove it – by leaving situations that are bad for you.

Stronger than ever before Pride!

STONE COLD

Often I am told that I am quite ruthless with people. That I will cut someone out of my life all too quickly, in particular, men. The reason they say this is because if I suspect something isn’t right I listen to my instinct, I may sit on the thoughts I have for a little while and observe the situation, but I always listen to me. If I am hearing those all too familiar excuses – however they may be dressed, I walk away. If I am made to feel confused about how someone feels about me, I walk away. If someone’s pride is more important than me, I walk away.

The reason for this is quite simple – I have heard it or seen it all before.

Excuses can be dressed up in so many different outfits by so many different people. The guy himself, your friends, even you will excuse someone’s behaviour, however, it is important to remember that these ARE excuses for behaviour that is less than worthy of the person that you are. Excuses are made to justify actions or behaviours that make us feel unhappy. If someone is treating you right you don’t justify it, you accept it exactly the way it is and accept that the person is kind or caring or considerate – whatever it may be. So why is it that when someone is not making the effort or putting you down or acting suspiciously do we then feel the need to pretend that there is a valid reason?

The answer – Fear!

We fear being rejected, lonely, not important enough. We fear so many things that we tolerate all kinds of terrible behaviour that we shouldn’t tolerate.

So why do I walk away? Do I have a heart of stone? Am I a cold person? Am I fearless?

Well in truth none of the above but I have done one thing. I made a promise to myself and I hate breaking promises. I promised myself that I would not let anyone undervalue my worth. If someone doesn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated and the way that I would treat them, I walk away – simple as that. In some cases I may act in haste and I may have to apologise for acting abruptly but I have never, ever regretted standing up for myself. For only accepting the best. For not letting someone walk over me. For not being treated and respected as the amazing woman I am. Each time I am true to myself and how I feel and I don’t apologise for who I am I feel proud of myself. I feel faith in myself. I trust me to always have my back and that feeling is priceless. The right person will admire and respect you for you, not try to make you feel like you are ‘needy’ or ‘demanding’ or any other controlling and manipulative terms you might have thrown at you. You should be completely in love with yourself and overjoyed at every part of who you are.

I’m not saying that every time someone irritates you or does something wrong then you cut them out of your life for good with not so much as a blink of your eye, I am however saying that you should be able to recognise when someone is not treating you to a standard you deserve. If you treat that person so much better than they treat you then you have to make some decisions. Perhaps have a conversation about it, perhaps write a letter and explain, whatever you do, don’t justify their behaviour. If it doesn’t make you feel good then something is not right.

This is why it is so important to fall in love with ourselves. To love our imperfectly perfect selves entirely. To know that no one determines our worth. We don’t need to apologise for leaving a situation that doesn’t feel right, we don’t need to justify our feelings, we need to trust them. After all, we will still have ourselves and that is the best person you could ever ask to be stuck with!

Only accept the best Pride!

HATE YOURSELF BEAUTIFUL

So there seems to be this worldwide phenomenon, a way of working towards the ideal you. You can reach utter perfection just by following this simple tip. All you have to do is hate yourself perfect. How on earth can I reach the perfect me I hear you ask? Well I will tell you:

• Feel too fat? Just hate every inch of you that you think is fat!
• Feel too thin? Just hate all the skinniest parts of you, look at each rib in disgust!
• Feel too tall? Look at all of those that are shorter than you and put them higher up than you in worth!
• Feel too pale? Look at yourself in the mirror and point out how disgusting you are
• Feel you aren’t smart? Easy, envy all those that you think are clever and tell yourself you are stupid!

Does the above work well for an advert? No? There is something wrong with this tactic? Are you telling me you wouldn’t go and see a ‘hate yourself perfect’ life coach????? Well there goes that money-making scheme!

The thing is though, nearly everybody uses this technique in some part of their lives to motivate them to change. Here is the thing though:

YOU CANNOT HATE YOURSELF TO IMPROVE!

This means:

• You cannot hate yourself healthy
• You cannot hate yourself happy
• You cannot hate yourself beautiful
• You cannot hate yourself to success

For a start each of these goals listed above mean something different to everyone. What you think is beautiful is the complete opposite of beauty to someone else. What you think it means to be healthy is the complete opposite to someone else. What you think it means to be happy is the complete opposite to someone else. What you define as success is the complete opposite to someone else.

Do you see the pattern here?

Truly happy, successful, healthy and beautiful people have certain traits in common:

• They appreciate themselves
• They are attracted to themselves
• They recognise their strengths
• They acknowledge changes they want to make and enjoy working to change.
• They don’t compare themselves to others
• They don’t try to fit in

Hating yourself does one thing – It makes you feel bad. So stop!

Easier said than done right? I mean hating any part of yourself has required work and dedication. It has taken a lot of time and effort. So how can we change this?

We have to start recognising this behaviour as it happens and then we can start to change it. So here is a simple exercise to start doing this. Standing in front of the mirror I want you to look at yourself and say:

I am amazing. I am perfect. I am smart and I am beautiful. I love me.

Now I know that this can be particularly hard to do especially if you don’t believe any of this so if you find it a struggle I want you to imagine you did believe it, imagine how you would feel if you believed all of these. Imagine how you would stand, how you would smile, how you would brush your hair. How you would adjust your clothes. How you would walk past the mirror. Just imagine and then pretend you are that person JUST while you say those statements.

One more exercise I want you to try is one where you can call upon your ILV (Inner Lioness Voice). This one takes a bit more effort in recognising your own thoughts. Every time you hear yourself wishing you were different or putting yourself down I want you to stop and say to yourself

Excuse me, don’t say those things about me, I am wonderful and amazing and shame on you for thinking anything else. Get out of here!

Not only that but I want you to feel annoyed with that other voice, as if it is a person. How dare it try to put you down. That is not a kind thing to do and you won’t stand for it.

Now you are either excited to try this or worried about the amount of voices in my head but just give it a try. Print this out or write down the exercises and just try them. If they don’t work at all then you have lost nothing but you should demand the very best for yourself because you are worth it (sorry Loreal for stealing your tagline).

Admiring your greatness Pride!

THE PERMISSION TO HAVE THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH

You have the right to say whatever you want.  You are free to speak your truth….right? That is in fact what we are told, yes? How many of you actually have the courage to say what you really feel without being judged or ‘told off’ for it?

In the workplace for example, a more senior member of staff holds a meeting and is talking about new ideas to improve the company, he/she gives a spiel about a brand new idea to improve a current system and you feel that it is a bad idea, do you speak up? If you speak up do you feel you will be listened to or is it likely you will be penalised for speaking against them? I am actually referring to a story I was told recently. A friend of mine spoke up and gave her reasons why she didn’t agree that the new idea would make staff feel valued or happy in their job. The senior member of staff then went on to ‘acknowledge’ what she said by saying in a not-so-direct way that they didn’t want people like her in the company. She was left feeling worried that there would be repercussions for her input and that she could get into trouble.

I can almost understand, in a workplace, if you were to get up for example in a meeting and say ‘oy baldy, you are talking an absolute load of crap, this is rubbish’. But to actually be made to feel like you will lose your job for questioning a new idea and considering the effects it would have on the employees of the company is just unacceptable to me.

I work for myself and many people who have worked with me before almost laugh and joke that I am ‘unemployable’. As an employee I can be difficult. Why you ask? Because I cannot keep my mouth shut. Too many companies employ staff that get away with treating other employees badly and most importantly illegally. I was never someone who liked to lose an argument so I would always know my rights. I would speak up for myself and I would always speak up if I witnessed someone else being treated badly. Yes, it can be scary and many people wanted to get me out of the job because they didn’t like me standing up to them. They never succeeded though because I wasn’t just shouting and screaming aimlessly or through anger. I was standing up for what I believed in.

Now I am not suggesting you should all go and shout at your bosses but, I do believe in this world you should never be afraid to say what you feel is right. You should approach it calmly and with reason behind it but you should never be bullied into silence. By anyone. The rude next door neighbour, the friend who always lets you down, the manager that tries to belittle you, the policeman/woman who think they can speak down to you because they have a badge or even the Queen. Nobody is better than you and nobody can actually own your freedom. They can just convince you they do and make it scary to take control of it yourself. So pick your battles wisely and always be true to yourself and stand strong. We all enter this world the same way and we all leave it the same way and we all survive on food and water. That is that. Don’t put anyone on a throne higher up than you.

The same goes with relationships and dating. I have seen and experienced far too many times one person ridiculing the other for their beliefs or preferences. It seems that this tactic of mocking someone is in hopes that they can sway the opinion of the other person to give in to the THEIR way of thinking. Well it is not on. If you want someone to agree with you and do as you say then go and pay for it, there are services that provide that. It’s not real. If someone laughs at you or mocks you for not being ready for something or thinking a certain way, stand true to yourself. Their way of persuasion is not an intelligent one or a correct one. It is an immature way of belittling you and manipulating you to give in. Laugh it off and simply say ‘you don’t have to agree with me but there is no point in trying to push me to feel another way, that is how I feel and that is that.’ You will be amazed at how powerful you feel when you stand up for yourself.

The truth is we do have freedom of speech, no one can stop us talking. They can only scare us or bully us into believing we can’t speak up. You are the one that gives you permission to talk freely. Nobody else. So own it. Know that you are free and entitled to say and think whatever you want. Just choose wisely when, why and what you are saying and always remember words that hurt others don’t define the other person, they define the person saying them.

Speak loud and free Pride!

The traditional feminist.

So I have decided to get a better idea of what it means to people to be a ‘feminist’. This was sparked by a friend of mine who went on a date on Saturday night. It was a first date and the man she went out with arranged a place to meet for some drinks. He bought two rounds of drinks and they were getting on very well. He then said to her ‘aren’t you going to get the third round in? I gave you a chance to get the second round and then gave you the benefit of the doubt by getting them myself’. My friend is a very ‘traditional’ girl – partly to do with culture and partly to do with her own views on men and women. She laughed and explained it was a first date and she believed that if a man asks you out he should pay. It sparked a debate between them and he explained that he was a real feminist. He put it down to the fact he was ‘artsy’ and people in ‘that world believe in feminism’. (Thanks for believing you speak for the whole of the Arts world). It got me thinking, does being a feminist mean that the roles for courting are now the same? Should a woman be just as willing to carry her groom through the threshold? Should he wear a fake breast and feed his newborn baby? Should she court him? Should she open the door and let him through first? Does feminism mean that men and women do not have differences?

The definition of the word feminism is different to different people. I have taken some time to ask men and women from all different backgrounds and cultures what it means to them and what being a feminist means in a relationship between a man and woman.

The dictionary definition of a feminist (dictionary.com):

Advocating social, political, legal and economic rights for women equal to those of men.

The world, in my opinion, owes a lot of thanks to feminism and there are still a lot of issues that are being fought or highlighted in regards to women’s rights that, without feminism would go unnoticed. I have listed just some of the changes made below by people who have fought for women’s rights:

• Women were once largely absent from standard history texts.
• Women did not used to be allowed to vote
• Women could not have credit cards in their own name
• Women could not legally terminate a pregnancy
• Women could not attend certain Ivy League colleges
• Women could not become an Astronaut
• Women could not join the Army
• Marital rape was ok
• Sexual harassment at work was not illegal

In the Western world a lot has changed for women and we now have many equal rights to men. There are now lots of issues being highlighted across the rest of the world and feminists, are fighting hard to stand up for women.

Often I hear people using the term ‘feminist’ to make a woman feel like less of a woman. It will be used to try to put down her independence, her career or her relationship. It is a way of defeminizing a woman.

I asked the people around me what they thought. I asked men and women, some older, some younger, some gay, some straight, some single, some married. I asked two questions, the first was what feminism meant in everyday life, the second about what feminism meant in a relationship.

The general feedback about feminism in everyday life seems to always come down to the workplace. They believed that a woman should be paid the same as a man in the same role and that they should be able to apply for any job a man can.

One friend of mine is doing a college course in plastering and she has had a lot of negative response about doing so, particularly by males. Not in the sense that they are ridiculing her but in the sense that they can’t understand why she would do that being a woman. She has even had comments about doing a nice easy job instead, one where she can look nice instead of learning this trade. For her feminism is about being able to do whatever she wants to do regardless of gender and not being judged or believed to be unfeminine.

Nothing was really highlighted about political rights, medical rights or even really social rights – i.e credit cards. I like the idea that we have come so far as to not even recognise there was ever a difference in these now, although they should not be forgotten. It shows that everyone involved in fighting for these rights really accomplished something, so much so, that they are a natural way of life now in certain parts of the world.

The feedback I had about being a feminist in a relationship was a little more varied. However, it has been quite common that people view a feminist as typically a woman who will be challenging, difficult or stubborn. She will expect to be regarded the same as a man but with the man still paying on dates and pulling out a chair or opening doors. Perhaps it would be fair to say that there is a feeling of hypocrisy. She is also seen as somebody fighting against the entire male race and she is typically not feminine, I even had a friend describe it as unfortunate that a feminist is often thought of as ‘a woman with short hair, tom-boyish with unladylike mannerisms’. This is so true and often joked about socially. The stereotype is quite ironic – A feminist, is not feminine.

Some of my friend’s view feminism as being able to be respected and seen as strong and succesful in their careers, as much as a man would in the same role, and even though that is what THEY are, they don’t view themselves as feminists because they are a stay at home mum cooking dinner for their husband. I found this interesting.

I had one response that I found so important and so right that I was almost sad to see that it was neglected to be highlighted in every other response I received, it was in regards to feminism in a relationship – I quote:

‘It would also be about respecting each other’s bodies and not forcing the other person to do what they don’t feel comfortable doing. ‘

This is a great point because like I mentioned earlier, at one time marital rape was not considered a crime. Without feminism this would still continue to be acceptable. By regarding a woman as equal it means that she is equal sexually too and her body has to be respected. Something still not adhered to in many countries today. Sexual abuse and domestic violence are very serious and very damaging to a person. Can you imagine living in a world where this is deemed acceptable? Many people do and even those that don’t and still suffer it often don’t feel supported enough to come forward. This was just such an important point that is actually very much to do with feminism (whether or not you are for or against it) and yet it is forgotten far too easily, by myself included.

I started to question people a little bit more to find out whether or not you could be a feminist but still have a traditional relationship.

Once asked this question and given time to think, many of the people I spoke to actually agreed you could be a feminist and still have a traditional relationship. That there are in fact differences between men and women that need to be respected. That these differences don’t make one gender more important than the other.

I talk a lot about the roles of men and women and you hear me always support the idea of being a strong and independent woman. I do not believe men are better than women or vice versa (maybe I do take my own side occasionally, but come on, girl power and all)!

I was thinking about a young woman I met in Bali who was telling me that her husband forbid her to work so she couldn’t work. We knew each other well and I leant to her and said ‘Where I come from, I do what I want to do, no man can tell me what I can and can’t do’. She laughed because she knew I was telling the truth, but she also laughed because she didn’t believe she could ever get away with having the same attitude. It angered me that people could feel so controlled. That women believed they were lower than men. If I could teach every woman on this planet to stand together and unite and empower each other to understand their worth, I would. I would teach them that no man has the right to take from you, no man should be paid higher than you simply for being a man, no man can control your life.

I believe that a woman should be ambitious and not be defined by a man. She should be educated and follow her dreams. She should be self-sufficient. She should make her own money and have her own career. She should take herself out and spoil herself. She should love herself. She should have choice and control over her own life.

Doesn’t this make me a feminist?

Yet I believe that a man should be the head of the household. The protector, the provider (to a certain extent), the one to take out the rubbish, he should be respected by his kids and they should fear crossing him. I believe a woman should raise the children (however she so pleases of course – she can work or not work that is none of my business). I believe a woman should nurture and care for her man, she should take care of him by being a woman. The love of a woman is different to the love of a man. We both provide different things. Being equal does not mean we are the same. I believe a man should impress and court a woman and she should allow him to do so. I believe anything else emasculates or defeminizes either gender. This is not healthy and not in line with our animal instincts. For me I do not find the idea of carrying my groom over the threshold attractive, I expect him to open a door or pull out a chair. I expect him to be as much of a man to me as I will be a woman to him. That is still equal.

I believe that a traditional and feminist relationship is healthy. Feminism is not about attacking the entire male race. It is not about proving our physical strength to be the same. It is not about becoming a man, but knowing that by being a woman we are as strong and magnificent and powerful as any man could be, but in our own way. The way of a woman. Most men I know and have spoken to, agree with this.

How has the word feminist been changed to this stereotype that most people today believe it means? I myself have pictured this stereotype when hearing the word feminist. I do not now.

What do you think?

RUNNING MAN PART 2

I know right – him again. Well no story would ever be fun without some tales of lowering your standards so much so, that you actually prune the path that lets idiots walk back into your life. So at least I can provide some entertainment.

So I had been out with our banker guy and that had ended pretty badly. I had just gotten home after an extremely long bus journey. I was tired and had been missing The Running Man a little bit. I wasn’t upset though, I had actually found the evening funny. I knew it would always be a good story at the very least and I felt a sense of independence that I was proud of.  I had escaped an arsehole and his underground car park and then I had found my way home through the nighttime jungle of drunken party goers.

 

I had just tucked myself into bed when my work phone went off – It was the Running Man – I had blocked him from contacting me on my personal phone and had forgotten he had my work number too. He sent me several messages trying to get me to talk to him. He saw me go online, read them and then go offline. He didn’t stop messaging so I asked him what he wanted. He tried to apologise and say he missed me. I wasn’t having any of it though and eventually he called me. He was telling me how he had freaked out majorly and hadn’t felt this way about anybody before and he didn’t think he was good enough so he just ran and he felt so awful about it all. He said he opened up to his brother and even he had a go at him for the way he had treated me. He told me how he would be at work miserable, trying to think of things wrong with me so he wouldn’t think about me as much but he couldn’t find anything real enough. Now pride, he might be a schmuck but he isn’t doing too badly with these lines is he? He went on and on for about an hour telling me he just wanted one more chance. So I said to him ‘Running Man, you are giving me a whole bunch of reasons as to how amazing you think I am, however, I am not going to commend you for seeing what is in front of you, I want to know why on earth I should even consider giving you another chance. He went on to tell me he wanted to prove to me that he was good for me and that he could be the man I deserved. I blamed him for my bad date, I told him I had a date lined up on the Sunday too. I told him that I was so angry.

The annoying thing was that I could feel I was going to forgive him. I knew it. I should have not replied to any of those first messages but I had and here I was entertaining this conversation. There was no point in pretending otherwise. Besides, people deserve second chances right?

So we were back to seeing each other. He asked me if I was still planning to go on my Sunday date and I told him if he wanted me to cancel he better arrange something for us to do instead. He did. We had a nice day together and things were good again. I still panicked every time I didn’t hear back from him for a few hours, I was still waiting for things to go wrong and him to disappear, but he didn’t and things were good.

A couple of weeks passed and me and my little sister had decided to get away for a night. A real girly night away just the two of us and then the next night I was going to spend with the man in question. It had turned out to be a pretty bad day, he had to go into work for a pretty stressful meeting and was really worried and my cousin had phoned me to tell me my Uncle was in hospital and wasn’t going to be with us for much longer. The two of us had a nice conversation trying to lift each other’s spirits. I decided to still go away and make the most of our plans.

About an hour after we arrived at the hotel my cousin phoned and told me the sad news that my Uncle had passed away. It was a sad moment. Still I was glad to be with my sister and thankful for the support from our Running Man. I decided to see how his meeting was going and if he was out tell him what had happened.

I couldn’t see him on Whatsapp. I tried calling him, straight to voicemail. I picked up my sister’s phone and called him – ringing. He has done it again. What the hell?? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL????? IS HE SERIOUS? It was all a bit much to take in the space of 20 minutes so I took a moment to breathe and compose myself. I blocked him on everything. Sent him a very angry message off of my sister’s phone and opened a bottle of wine. He was then spotted later on that evening back on POF, his photo, his details except with a different age and star-sign. Where do these crazies crawl out from? All I knew was that I was done giving him chances. He would never have a space in my head!

That is the thing with second chances. They shouldn’t be given out too easily. Do you think if you cross a Lioness you will get away with it even once? Most certainly not, there wouldn’t even be a second time. Bare this in mind when you are hearing the desperate plea of an undeserving male suitor!

A few more crazies to work through yet pride don’t worry…..!

DATING DO’S AND DON’TS PART 5

FIRST MESSAGE:

So now we need to talk about actually meeting up with someone and being on a real date. This doesn’t just apply to someone you have met off of Tinder or online dating sites. This applies to anyone. The first message is in regards to setting up the date. So you arrange a day to meet and possibly a time….what then? Well, again there are several do’s and don’ts that you fellas need to learn and that you ladies need to tolerate and not tolerate.

Do:

• Arrange a venue and let us know where we need to be.

 

• Let us know a time well in advance – we need to plan getting ready.

 

• Follow up on the day and confirm the details.

Don’t:

• Arrange a day and time and leave it to the day for us to chase you about a location.

 

• Leave it to us to arrange.

 

• Make us travel further than you.

This is such a simple one but so many of you seem to get it so wrong. The fact of the matter is that most of you ‘men’ want a real woman yet you don’t want to be a real man. It’s not a one way street. We are different gender’s and therefore we have differences. Yes yes there are equal rights now set in place by a government that tells you how to be and yes society has messed up our roles in our own gender but if you want the real deal you have to BE the real deal – and this goes for women too!  This is a whole new topic for a later date though.

Fellas, just choose a nice location halfway – or even one stop closer to her as this will give you extra brownie points for being so considerate. Look up a bar that you can go to for a couple of drinks. It doesn’t have to be the Ritz for a 7-course meal followed by ballroom dancing all night. Just make simple arrangements and tell us a time and place to meet you. This will be noted by us and will impress us from the get go. You are making your work so much easier from this simple effort.

Telling us a time in advance is important because we like to plan our day according to our grooming. Women like to take their time to look nice for you and letting us know when we have to be there in advance means we can make a proper effort, which, after all, is mostly for you anyway.

We don’t want to get to the day of the date and not hear from you until half an hour before. Just send us a little message in the morning or the night before to confirm everything is still ok. It will show us you are thinking about us and put our minds at rest.

All of these simple things will give us a great first impression of you and help to start things off on a really good note. You are not going above and beyond or having to break the bank either, just showing us that you use your head and are a man – which is what a woman wants.

So many times I have complained to my friends or vice versa that we have arranged a day and then nothing is mentioned until we chase up on the day – by then we have pretty much lost interest anyway. The other one that turns us off quicker than you can actually press send on a message is ‘where do you want to go’ – euuurrggghhh just take control. A woman is quite capable of organising a complete household with one hand, a full-time job with the other and several of her friend’s emotional issues with her big toe so we want the chance to switch our multi-tasking minds off and be taken out and treated – you can do this simply by organising the date and messaging her the details – not too much to ask for is it?

If it is too much to ask for then you are not looking for anything serious and ladies – run for the hills – he is just not worth it.

Set your standards higher and you will meet someone who respects standards!

Woohoo – Lioness fever is spreading…….

THE RUNNING MAN

So I was actually talking to a couple of guys off of an online dating site. One day I received a message from a guy saying:

‘Fancy running away with me and making a load of babies together?’

I of course rolled my eyes as I read this, normally I would ignore someone like this but I was in an upbeat mood so instead I replied:

‘Are you actually sending messages like that to people?

‘Well it got you to reply didn’t it!’ He replied

I actually found out that he had sent one of my friends a very similar first message online – this was clearly his pick up line, I felt ashamed with myself for even responding!!!!! Not even an original message – tut!

He did have a point though, it did get me to reply. I entertained his conversation just a little longer and was actually surprised. He was quite funny and had interesting conversation. In my head I laughed and said to myself ‘this guy is nothing but trouble’ but he seemed harmless enough and was at the very least, for the time being, entertaining.

*Now I am looking back at this I am very well aware that I should have run as fast as I could the other way, however, I have made my fair share of mistakes with men and there’s no point hiding my mistakes now is there, they were all very important lessons….some that I was a little…..ok VERY slow in learning!*

We talked online for a while longer and he asked for my phone number. So I gave it to him, I was very aware that this would go nowhere but for now it was fun conversation with someone who seemed like a laugh.

We started talking all day long, we were actually getting to know each other and apart from him being a little bit cheeky he seemed like a very nice guy so when he asked me out I said yes, I mean, why not, people can surprise you right? We arranged a day for just after New Year and then as we were talking more and more he told me he didn’t want to wait that long and, still keeping our original day, he also arranged a day sooner.

We went for a drink and ended up staying out for hours talking. He was good-looking and interesting. The night had been great. Maybe I had this guy a little bit wrong.

We continued to talk and see each other, he was very respectful and even when he invited me round to his house didn’t push any boundaries. I let myself start to trust him and for the first time in a very long time things were moving forward with a guy AND looking hopeful.

So it had been a couple of months and I was going to go round to his after work. Things were looking like they may be moving forward yet again and so I was nervously excited about going to his that evening.

We talked all day long as normal, he kept telling me to hurry up and finish work. He was excited for me to get there. I had one more client to see and then I would be on my way.

After work I went to return a message to him to say I was on my way, I noticed that I couldn’t see his ‘last seen’ on Whatsapp, I thought this was a bit odd but this was back when sometimes Whatsapp liked to do this so it wasn’t completely abnormal. I tried to call him but it was going straight to voicemail. Never mind, I will just go and get ready.

So I went home and was ready to leave and still hadn’t heard back, he still wasn’t showing on Whatsapp either. I messaged him and told him that I was going to my friend’s house who lived on the way to his and to message me when he got this. I wasn’t going to sit around waiting, besides, she was like family to me so at least I could pop in for a cup of tea.

My other friend was messaging me asking if I had heard from him when she suddenly said ‘Rach give me his number’ I thought it was weird but I gave it to her anyway. A couple of seconds later she messaged me saying ‘Rach, he’s blocked you, he’s online right now on Whatsapp’. My stomach rose to my throat….WHAT????????? I picked up my other phone and went on there to check – yep, he was online. I messaged him asking what was going on and he immediately blocked me on that number too. I sent him one text asking what the hell he was playing at knowing I wouldn’t get a reply. So I instantly erased him. I was seething but my friend was talking to me about some serious stuff so instead of making the evening about me I poured a glass of something quite a bit stronger than tea, threw it down the back of my throat and refilled. I pushed this idiot to the back of my mind and listened to my friend.

By the next day I had two dates lined up for the weekend (cue Mr WB…now that’s a good story) and had completely forgotten who the hell he was. That was the last of him in my life!!!!! Of course…..as you will soon know, it wasn’t. I do know how to pick ’em don’t I?

Happy Monday Pride!

Mr Disaster – Part 2

Life was going pretty smoothly when Mr Disaster decided to message me again. He was inviting me out for a drink and somehow I read his message to mean that a few people from the gym were going out. I assumed it was his excuse to message me so I thought why not, I didn’t have feelings for him anymore so let bygones be bygones. Turns out it was just him and another friend and I completely read the message wrong – IDIOT!!!!! Maybe I was meant to read that message wrong who knows. I went anyway and had a good time catching up, I didn’t give him an easy time by any means but it was all very friendly and nice! He did try to message me again after that but I pretty much ignored him. I had no intention of getting back into old habits with him and yes, he was still with his girlfriend.

 

A few months later I was in Thailand in my dorm in a hostel in Krabi when I received a message – MR DISASTER – I laughed because I always hear from him at a strange time in my life when things are going really well. So I replied saying I was away and he said that him and our friend wanted to see what I was doing so we could all meet up again. When I got back from Thailand he got in contact with me and we started talking again.

 

With Mr Disaster it was a very tricky situation. We were just connected. I wanted to be respectful of his relationship but at the same time they were clearly not in love, they were clearly together for the sake of it and I had been in that situation and gotten out of it. It’s hard to take a relationship like that seriously. Having said that I would never get involved with someone who was in a relationship so friendship would be as far as this could ever go.

Pretty soon we were messaging all the time again, mostly about nonsense but making each other laugh. He started calling me again and we would be on the phone for ages talking rubbish and making each other laugh. We would talk seriously too and he would entertain my whole day. One evening we were on the phone and all of a sudden the call cut off – I knew 100% that his girlfriend has just come home – I called back, no answer, he messages me saying ‘I don’t want to argue with this girl’ I reply ‘excuse me?’ ‘my girlfriend’ he replies. I told him that we shouldn’t talk if it was a problem and he assured me it wasn’t and then went on to tell me that the phone just cut off and there was a problem with the network – Yeh sure genius, because I am a fricking idiot aren’t I!!!! – I called him the next day and explained that we weren’t friends, we spoke all day every day and I felt like I was doing something wrong and didn’t like it. He tried to convince me otherwise but I just wouldn’t have it. That was that. He wished me luck with a guy I had recently been on a first date with – our very own Mr Angry PT guy – and said that I deserved happiness and we left it there.

 

Over the next week I still heard from him and I would tell him to leave me alone, it was the usual routine where he ignores me and messages anyway. I was at a bit of loose end. The guy I was due to go out with again turned into a bit of a weirdo – as we know so I got rid of him. – I was feeling a little bit lost with my work and my life and now I had to deal with saying goodbye to Mr Disaster AGAIN! Why am I punishing myself, we are only talking to each other, I don’t know his girlfriend, I don’t owe her anything, I’m certainly not going to be the other woman so I’m not doing anything wrong. Why do I always have to do the right thing for everybody else. Right now it isn’t hurting me to talk to him so why do I have to make myself suffer by stopping. So I did something that I never expected to do and Mr Disaster certainly didn’t expect me to do it. I sent him a message, just a confused face, that was it but I knew that was enough. He hadn’t been on his Whatsapp on this phone for a couple of days but the second he saw the message he responded. I had a go at him – ‘why did you ever have to message me again, why couldn’t you just leave me be?, I was fine before you came back into my life and now I have to say goodbye to someone I get on with and I haven’t even done anything wrong!’ He simply replied ‘would you like to go for a drink tonight?’ We arranged to meet up somewhere local to both of us, I was actually secretly a bit excited – only because it had been so long, not because I had feelings…of course….because we are just friends.

We ended up having a really nice catch up and…..no, you should know me better than that by now! We didn’t stay out too long and we just had a nice friendly time. He messaged me straight after saying he had a nice time and we went back to talking as normal.

I kept saying I didn’t have feelings for him but the only person I was fooling was myself and to be honest, I wasn’t doing a very good job of that either. Mr Disaster was something else in my life. He was refreshing, he didn’t hide that he cared about me (unlike many of the other bad apples), he fought for my attention, he listened, he joked, he was serious. I felt so relaxed talking to him, I didn’t feel like I was bugging him – I couldn’t really he always bugged me – I didn’t feel like a nuisance to him, it wasn’t too serious and there was no pressure. We just got on like a house on fire, we could talk about nothing all day every day and we did. People like that don’t come into your life everyday and when they do it means something. We were like magnets, the closer we got the more powerful the force. I knew that this couldn’t last. Truth was he was no way going to be brave enough to leave his girlfriend and setup on his own, he was too proud and way too afraid. I knew that I wouldn’t tolerate this ‘friendship’ going nowhere for much longer. With him it was easy to fall and I knew he had fallen too.

A couple of weeks later it was my friend’s birthday party and he had again asked me if I wanted to go for a drink so my friend suggested I invite him to the party instead. I was excited that he was coming but in general I just wanted to go out and celebrate my friend’s birthday. I had still been a bit stressed at that time and had been feeling anxiety creep its way back into my life. I just wanted to go and have a few drinks and let my hair down.

I had more than a few drinks and was quite drunk quite quickly. Mr Disaster turned up and looked….well…..like himself and I was very drunkenly happy in my little world. The problem was I wasn’t happy and me getting drunk was a nice little escape from my crazy head. Somehow a conversation was triggered by my friend about the two of us and she was warning him to treat me nicely, the next thing I remember he is talking about how I wouldn’t be able to trust him if he left his girlfriend and got with me. I was saying something along the lines of my usual jargon ‘you have missed out on the best thing you could have’ – please be assured this isn’t a ploy to get him to leave his girlfriend, I would never want that kind of pressure on me. Imagine it didn’t work out, I would feel responsible for the whole thing…..no way, I don’t need that on my head. – So then the worst thing in the world that I could imagine doing happened…I got upset and…  yep, I fricking started crying – IDIOT…IDIOT….IDIOT!!!!!! Another friend saw me upset and asked me if he should tell Mr Disaster to go and I said yes, the last thing I wanted was for anyone else to see me upset so I just concentrated on looking normal (yeh right). He wouldn’t go without talking to me and seeing if I was alright. He took me outside and I wasn’t really interested in talking to him, I didn’t want him around while I was upset. I shouted at him and he left. My friend got me back to his to sleep it off. I later found a message on my phone from him that said something along the lines of:

I hate that I am the reason you are upset. A man should know a woman’s worth and you are worth a lot. It’s time for me to step up and do the right thing so I will leave you alone forever now.

To the best of my memory that is what he wrote. Ok so underneath the cosmetics of pretty compliments all I hear from this is that I am going to let you go. Someone willing to let you go is never worth it, just for future reference.

 

I was so confused when I woke up. Why did it always get like this between us. A big final cut off, why couldn’t we just enjoy our friendship. I rang him and told him straight that I didn’t want him to leave his girlfriend for me, I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him and that I was only interested in being his friend (why I was hanging on here I do not know).  I don’t think he liked hearing that, not that he would ever admit it. A couple of days went by and something really didn’t feel right. My head was all over the place. I spoke to one of my closest friends and she told me to stop beating around the bush and just deal with the situation once and for all. So I did. I asked him how he felt about me and he told me ‘I like you and I think you are an amazing individual but I can’t be with you at the moment because I have a girlfriend’. This is exactly the type of message I expected and I simply needed to hear it. I said to him ‘Mr Disaster I like you too, I can pretend I don’t but I do. If this isn’t going anywhere then I need to walk away for good this time. You saying you can’t be with me at the moment means you want to hold me there and I deserve better.’ He tried to say life was a bitch but I told him that life is exactly what you make it.

I used my anger that day to face my fear of doing my first handstand….ok so it was against the wall but I still did it, it was something I had been trying to do for so long that all of my colleagues were even desperately trying to help me do it. It may sound silly but it was something I was too scared to do so I asked myself ‘am I going to live a life of fear like this fool? Hell no!’ So I did something I was scared to do – even if it sounds small I felt great afterwards.

 

I have ignored him since. I erased his numbers and all of our messages. He messaged me but I ignored him. He called me once and I didn’t recognise the number since I erased it, I very quickly got off of the phone. I was done with him. It still hurt, I carried on with everything as normal but I did have feelings for Mr Disaster and you can’t control feelings. He was someone who was in my life morning until night, non stop. Someone I really connected with and someone I could not hate. The truth is I just love me more now days and I won’t be second best to anyone. Show me that you see my worth or I will show you nothing. Simple as. Still doesn’t stop the pain of walking away from someone you care about but it sure as hell makes it easier! Goodbye Mr Disaster, forever and ever…..or….until Part 3 – Great!