Ruthlessly forgiving.

Forgiveness is about you, not the other person. If someone has disrespected you, hurt you, wronged you or treated you in a way that you don’t deserve it is important to be able to forgive them and not hold on to any anger, however, that doesn’t mean they deserve a place in your life. That doesn’t mean you have to allow them your time or company. That is for you to assess yourself. It is not about holding a grudge or being stubborn, it is about you having standards and boundaries. It is about establishing who deserves your time and who doesn’t. You can love someone without being near them or giving them any time at all. If they do not appreciate you for the magnificent being that you are then why are you wasting your time? Why are you using your energy on them instead of someone who will appreciate you. 
You don’t have to go cutting a load of people out of your life but it’s helpful to observe those that are around you and how they treat you, without anger, without resentment, without expectation. Just know what you will and will not tolerate and make no exception! Forgive those who wrong you because they cannot possibly see what is in front of them. But they will, eventually, whether you know it or not…..but that’s none of our business!
Only accepting the best for ourselves Pride!

Finding happiness, leave no nook or cranny unturned.

We all want happiness right? We all want to feel that feeling of pure joy spreading through every fibre of our being.

How do we go about doing it? Some will travel, some will party, some will spend time with family or friends, and some will search every nook and cranny for a little taste of the good stuff.

It might be an interview for a job that you really want, so you turn up and do your very best to impress them.

You may be looking for Prince Charming so you scan every corner of every space you move through, making sure you don’t miss the chance to lock eyes with him. You make sure you appear fun and pretty at all times so he will see how worthy you are.

You may want a large circle of friends that adore you so you go out of your way for them and always agree with what they want to do or what they say, because you are ‘easy going like that’.

But has doing any of those things led to true happiness? I doubt it. What it normally leads to is denial. Denial about how little you value yourself, denial about how little you love yourself and denial about how unworthy you really believe you are. Denial then leads to excuses and before you know it you are in a vicious cycle keeping you securely locked into a false sense of happiness whilst you skate across a cracked frozen lake.

If you are going for a job interview, make sure you interview them too, you are going to be putting your time and effort into this company, you need to make sure it is the right place for you to spend so much time. Let them see who you really are, that should be enough alone for them to hire you. Being what you think someone else wants you to be implies you can read minds, you can’t so give it up!

Love isn’t a game of hide and seek, don’t waste your time searching for it. Instead enjoy time with yourself, enjoy being you, every part of you. If you find that hard then try new ways – speak to a counsellor, walk in the park, hug yourself and tell yourself in the mirror how amazing you are. Stop waiting for a man to save you, Prince Charming will find you when you become a Princess and Princesses don’t need anyone else to tell them that they are royal!

If your friends only adore you when you are people pleasing or acting as their servant then they aren’t your friends. True friends want the best for you and give as much as they receive – maybe in different ways but it is a balance nevertheless.  

All this work you put in to convince others you are worth something could be spent on discovering your own worth. Expecting someone else to save you is as beneficial as waiting for a ferry at a bus stop. Put time, money and effort into your self-growth and you will see the things you want so bad are actually manifesting around you naturally.  
Happiness comes from within you!  Find it inside of you and stop looking for someone to save you because you are the only person who can, how exciting!
Standing strong on our feet pride!

Keep to your word

How many times have you said one of the following:

  • I am going to eat healthy
  • I am going to exercise today
  • I am going to stop smoking
  • I am going to clear out this room in the house
  • I am going to chase my dreams tomorrow

How many times have you found a reason not to stick to the thing you have promised yourself?

How many times is it for one of the following reasons:

  • I’m too busy
  • I’m too tired
  • I can just do it tomorrow
  • I had to help one of my friends
  • I need to wait until I’m in the right frame of mind
  • It won’t make a difference
  • I don’t really want to change

You are the only person that can control your world and each time you make an excuse as to why you aren’t going to do something that YOU want to do you are holding yourself back. There is a simple way to fix this and the formula is below:

Decide to do something – Do It – If it feels hard – Still do it – If you feel tired – Just do it anyway – I you feel like giving up – Don’t.

You have to stand strong. Imagine you are telling off a child who is about to draw on the wall the conversation might go something like this:

you: Don’t you even think about drawing on that wall.

Child: (Goes to draw on wall).

You: I’m warning you, don’t draw on that wall.

Child: (Looks at wall thinking about what to do).

You: If you draw on that wall you won’t be allowed any treats.

Child: (Still goes to draw on wall)

You: (Take crayons off of child and send them to the naughty step).

Imagine the child is the part of your mind trying to give in to the easy option, the one saying ‘it can all start tomorrow, don’t worry about today’. You have to activate your ‘parent’ voice. Don’t let that child draw on the wall – Don’t let yourself de-commit to your self promises. You won’t gain ANYTHING from doing so. But you will gain SO much from standing strong and doing the things that you say you are going to do. It will start to become a habit that you are motivated and you will find it easier and easier to stick to your goals.

Be that person. Just be it. No saying ‘yeh but’, no lame excuses, no dramatic reasons why you can’t. Just. Do. It.

Separating the winners, Pride, oh won’t you climb with me!

Uncontrollably in control

Society today can be tough right? We are told how to look, think and act and then we are told to ‘just be ourselves’. Wow, sure, ok.

Then we have people. People love helping other people. Advising them. Telling them what to do and how to behave. I’ve already covered the topic of people advising you based on who THEY are rather than who YOU are. Most people want to fit in to society – and then believe they are different from anyone else. Which ironically they are when they stop trying to be like everybody else.

And finally we have fear. Fear is painted as a person shaking and looking terrified. But fear, like the devil, wears many disguises. It is the cause of people wanting to fit in and look perfect and not be singled out. It is the cause of those advising you to keep quiet and put your head down and not upset anybody. It is the quiet voice in your head that says ‘you can’t do it’, ‘you look stupid’, ‘don’t cause a problem’.

Some of us are aware of the ‘truth about fear’ and some of us are not. Some will come out and say ‘I am far too shy for that’ ‘I can’t stand everyone looking at me’ ‘I am just not brave enough’. Some lather themselves with excuses and stories to avoid people questioning them or so that they can avoid speaking their truth or just to feel better in themselves.

I haven’t always been one to face fear. In fact I used to be the Queen of excuses. I was living in a ‘woe is me’ world drowning in my victim river. I haven’t always been able to be truthful and express my feelings without trying to belittle others or feeling the need to put them down and have the last word.

Why did I do this? Because I didn’t like who I was. Because I didn’t feel good enough to be listened to. Because I didn’t have the courage to say how I felt. Because I would feel stupid or silly for feeling the way I did. Because I valued myself based on other people’s opinions. And a whole list of other reasons, none of which benefited my life.

However that was a long time ago and mixed with a whole load of other problems that I had to face on my journey of becoming a Lioness. I have learnt the reasons behind all of those and in turn, studied others. Watching people convince themselves of their place in today’s society. Watching people excuse the things they are unhappy with and play victim to win sympathy off of others and it is quite fascinating.

I believe very strongly in being true to yourself. True to your creative side. True to your feelings. True to your likes and your dislikes. True to your own worth. And I believe something else:

Bollocks to anyone who doesn’t like the authentic version of you.

The most interesting part of my journey is most definitely the other people around me. Since I am no longer influenced by other people’s opinions of me or the need to ‘fit in’ anywhere, people see me as a potential problem, I know right? Little old me! Well the reason is that I will not people please or hide from how I feel. I will not try to ‘fit in’ for the sake of other’s opinions. I will not act according to anything other than the way I believe. For example:

I am happy to speak to a man sleeping on the street and bring him a hot drink or something to eat – people often fear those that they do not understand and often worry about their own or my safety when I talk to someone homeless.

I am happy to offer help to a stranger and do not fear rejection – If someone looks like they could use a hand I will lend it, if they say no (for whatever reason) that is fine too. At least I offered, this is often embarrassing to other people, they feel silly for trying and fear what others around them are then thinking.

I am not affected by someone disliking me – Other people’s opinion of me is none of my business. If they wish to tell me what they dislike or cast judgement that is fine by me. I know who I am. I know my intentions in this world and I also know that their opinion is not a reflection of who I am in this world but rather, who they are. It is a compliment to be thought of enough to be disliked.

I am not able to be controlled, muzzled or put off of speaking my mind – I won’t be told who I can or cannot speak to or confront. If I feel the need to confront somebody when they have upset me I will. I don’t believe in putting someone down or trying to scare anybody at all but I do believe my feelings are important and I should be able to express them without being made to feel like I am causing a problem. I will always consider how it may make someone feel and use my words carefully. I will always try to express hurt or anger after I have calmed down and I will aways take responsibility for my own feelings. If someone is afraid of confrontation that is THEIR problem. I will not stay silent just to keep the peace – silence isn’t truth. There are no rules on how to deal with a negative situation but it is my personal belief that you have to be true to yourself and speak the truth to others. I won’t look you in the eye and smile whilst secretly seething inside. It is not me. I will not be told what I can and cannot say or to whom. I will also have the intention of making peace with someone and clearing the air.

I won’t change who I am for anybody. If someone doesn’t like me or accept me then my suggestion is to not be around me. To leave me be. If you feel embarrassed or awkward or uncomfortable with any of the ways in which I live my life then I won’t be offended if you step away. I do not wish for you to do anything you don’t believe in either.

Why should we be anybody but ourselves or made to feel like we have to change who we are in certain situations? We are human. We are each imperfectly perfect. We do great things and we make mistakes. We have good days and bad days. We have beautiful days and not so beautiful days. Why are we so ashamed of being ourselves? Of excusing those around us? We are not responsible for anybody but ourselves so why would anyone try to justify anybody elses truth? Why should you tell someone how they can or can’t act because YOU are scared of what the other person might think.

Be you

Be every part of you

Do right. Be right.

Do wrong. Be wrong.

Learn

Grow

Be brave

Be shy

Be beautiful inside.

Be anything you want to be. Be everything you want to be. Don’t be sorry for being you. Be sorry when you feel sorry but don’t be sorry for being you. Don’t let anyone make you feel you should be. Let the world know you will always be you and you won’t be controlled by anybody. Let them fear that, it’s not your problem and none of your business.

In the words of Lesley Gore – ‘You don’t own me, don’t try to change me in any way’!

100% Lioness 0% Mouse

Here’s to YOU Pride.

It’s right there!

(photo from anonymous source – Facebook)

Nobody can fix our lives for us.

Nobody can tell us the right path for us to walk.

Nobody can tell you what is best for you.

But you can……you can do anything for your life you want to.  You just have to build trust within yourself and follow your heart.

You have the power.  Always have and always will.

Go and trust yourself to live.

Letting you find your own way pride!

If you don’t know, now you know…

(photo from anonymous source – Facebook)

This is something we all need to be reminded of.  Stop hiding who you are, how you feel and what you think.  When you feel you are being walked over – say it, don’t allow it, show them who is boss – do something!  When someone has upset you tell them, cry about it, have a tantrum and then say sorry for over reacting but be you!  You are glorious and wonderful and magnificent and HUMAN!  Stop hiding this.  Stop being embarrassed of this.  Stop doubting yourself and your actions.  You can always apologise if you do something wrong. Hiding who you are is wrong to yourself, to your wonderful soul.

Put on that crown and show the world who is boss!

Always be kind pride and watch the jewels sparkle!

Using pain…

So many of us live in fear of being hurt. We push people away and we close ourselves off to so much joy in fear that we will feel pain, humiliation or heartbreak. We attach ourselves to people who do not deserve our time because we are scared of being alone, scared that no one else will want us. This is my topic today.

When we tolerate behaviour from others that is less than we are worthy of, we might as well hold up a big sign saying ‘I am not worthy of being loved’. You have to first truly understand your worth before you can expect others to see it, and even then, if others do not value themselves to the same degree, they may still be incapable of treating you to the standard you deserve.

It’s so easy to say isn’t it? If someone isn’t treating you right then get rid of them! When our emotions are involved logic seems to go out of the window and our heart wants to hold on to a person we care about now matter what. So what can we do?

Well first of all you have to set your standards. You have to ask yourself what you are worth and how you should be treated. If you struggle with answering this then answer this question:

How would you treat someone you were in love with?

Do you shower them with kisses? Tell them how gorgeous they are? Cook for them? Dress up for them? Send them nice little messages during the day? prioritize them? Want what is best for them?  All of these?

Well now make sure you demand at least the same for yourself and do these same things for yourself too. If you don’t put yourself first then why should anybody else? Most importantly you probably won’t feel worthy of this behaviour even if it is shown to you, if you don’t believe it is the minimum you deserve.

If someone shows you anything less than this you cannot be afraid to demand it or walk away from this person.

Every single time I have let someone disrespect me or undervalue me I have been worse off for it. I have been left feeling unimportant and neglected. I have had my heartbroken and not felt good enough. Scared that nobody will love me. All because I have put that person higher than myself. However, every time I have demanded more or walked away from someone who didn’t treat me as good as I deserved to be treated, I have received someone better in my life. I still had to go through a period of hurt. I have still missed that person for a while. Cried a little on my own or to my friends, checked my phone in case they tried to contact me and felt lonely and miserable. But after that time passes – which it always does – I have met someone better than the last.

I have come to look at pain as a good thing. When any type of relationship ends there is a sort of ‘mourning period’. We have to say goodbye to someone and accept that they won’t be in our lives anymore. But I believe this time should also be spent saying goodbye to the mouse inside of us. That time spent feeling sad can be redirected to feeling sad that we have ever tolerated anything other than the best.  Spend the time feeling sad for that person who will lose us. Feeling sad that they will forever remember they lost something beautiful whilst we gain self-respect and self-love. I often end up feeling so sad for the person who wronged me that I wish for them to find happiness in hopes that they can understand how to properly treat someone and really accept happiness into their lives. I hope that for them so that maybe it will also spare the next girl feeling even remotely how I was made to feel.

Once you accept that pain is inevitable in life and doesn’t last forever you can use it much more effectively. Allow the pain to wash through you, feel it and use it. Be gentle and patient with yourself. The more you try to fight pain or fight for someone who doesn’t deserve you the longer you are punishing yourself.

Let me ask you a question….

If you are holding a diamond the size of your fist, are you willing to put it down and walk away from it  in the middle of a crowded place, in hopes that it will still be there when you return?

I didn’t think so. You are that diamond. If someone is willing to risk losing you by walking away, don’t be there when they come back. Someone else will see your value and never risk letting you go. Just have faith.

Let’s use our pain, be honest about it, cry through it and perhaps eat a little extra chocolate during it. Be true to your feelings and authentic in feeling them. Fight for your worth and understand always that – you are as good as the next and better than most! That, fellow pride, is the truth.

Kisses to you all x

The traditional feminist.

So I have decided to get a better idea of what it means to people to be a ‘feminist’. This was sparked by a friend of mine who went on a date on Saturday night. It was a first date and the man she went out with arranged a place to meet for some drinks. He bought two rounds of drinks and they were getting on very well. He then said to her ‘aren’t you going to get the third round in? I gave you a chance to get the second round and then gave you the benefit of the doubt by getting them myself’. My friend is a very ‘traditional’ girl – partly to do with culture and partly to do with her own views on men and women. She laughed and explained it was a first date and she believed that if a man asks you out he should pay. It sparked a debate between them and he explained that he was a real feminist. He put it down to the fact he was ‘artsy’ and people in ‘that world believe in feminism’. (Thanks for believing you speak for the whole of the Arts world). It got me thinking, does being a feminist mean that the roles for courting are now the same? Should a woman be just as willing to carry her groom through the threshold? Should he wear a fake breast and feed his newborn baby? Should she court him? Should she open the door and let him through first? Does feminism mean that men and women do not have differences?

The definition of the word feminism is different to different people. I have taken some time to ask men and women from all different backgrounds and cultures what it means to them and what being a feminist means in a relationship between a man and woman.

The dictionary definition of a feminist (dictionary.com):

Advocating social, political, legal and economic rights for women equal to those of men.

The world, in my opinion, owes a lot of thanks to feminism and there are still a lot of issues that are being fought or highlighted in regards to women’s rights that, without feminism would go unnoticed. I have listed just some of the changes made below by people who have fought for women’s rights:

  • Women were once largely absent from standard history texts.
  • Women did not used to be allowed to vote
  • Women could not have credit cards in their own name
  • Women could not legally terminate a pregnancy
  • Women could not attend certain Ivy League colleges
  • Women could not become an Astronaut
  • Women could not join the Army
  • Marital rape was ok
  • Sexual harassment at work was not illegal

In the Western world a lot has changed for women and we now have many equal rights to men. There are now lots of issues being highlighted across the rest of the world and feminists, are fighting hard to stand up for women.

Often I hear people using the term ‘feminist’ to make a woman feel like less of a woman. It will be used to try to put down her independence, her career or her relationship. It is a way of defeminizing a woman.

I asked the people around me what they thought. I asked men and women, some older, some younger, some gay, some straight, some single, some married. I asked two questions, the first was what feminism meant in everyday life, the second about what feminism meant in a relationship.

The general feedback about feminism in everyday life seems to always come down to the workplace. They believed that a woman should be paid the same as a man in the same role and that they should be able to apply for any job a man can.

One friend of mine is doing a college course in plastering and she has had a lot of negative response about doing so, particularly by males. Not in the sense that they are ridiculing her but in the sense that they can’t understand why she would do that being a woman. She has even had comments about doing a nice easy job instead, one where she can look nice instead of learning this trade. For her feminism is about being able to do whatever she wants to do regardless of gender and not being judged or believed to be unfeminine.

Nothing was really highlighted about political rights, medical rights or even really social rights – i.e credit cards. I like the idea that we have come so far as to not even recognise there was ever a difference in these now, although they should not be forgotten. It shows that everyone involved in fighting for these rights really accomplished something, so much so, that they are a natural way of life now in certain parts of the world.

The feedback I had about being a feminist in a relationship was a little more varied. However, it has been quite common that people view a feminist as typically a woman who will be challenging, difficult or stubborn. She will expect to be regarded the same as a man but with the man still paying on dates and pulling out a chair or opening doors. Perhaps it would be fair to say that there is a feeling of hypocrisy. She is also seen as somebody fighting against the entire male race and she is typically not feminine, I even had a friend describe it as unfortunate that a feminist is often thought of as ‘a woman with short hair, tom-boyish with unladylike mannerisms’. This is so true and often joked about socially. The stereotype is quite ironic – A feminist, is not feminine.

Some of my friend’s view feminism as being able to be respected and seen as strong and succesful in their careers, as much as a man would in the same role, and even though that is what THEY are, they don’t view themselves as feminists because they are a stay at home mum cooking dinner for their husband. I found this interesting.

I had one response that I found so important and so right that I was almost sad to see that it was neglected to be highlighted in every other response I received, it was in regards to feminism in a relationship – I quote:

‘It would also be about respecting each other’s bodies and not forcing the other person to do what they don’t feel comfortable doing. ‘

This is a great point because like I mentioned earlier, at one time marital rape was not considered a crime. Without feminism this would still continue to be acceptable. By regarding a woman as equal it means that she is equal sexually too and her body has to be respected. Something still not adhered to in many countries today. Sexual abuse and domestic violence are very serious and very damaging to a person. Can you imagine living in a world where this is deemed acceptable? Many people do and even those that don’t and still suffer it often don’t feel supported enough to come forward. This was just such an important point that is actually very much to do with feminism (whether or not you are for or against it) and yet it is forgotten far too easily, by myself included.

I started to question people a little bit more to find out whether or not you could be a feminist but still have a traditional relationship.

Once asked this question and given time to think, many of the people I spoke to actually agreed you could be a feminist and still have a traditional relationship. That there are in fact differences between men and women that need to be respected. That these differences don’t make one gender more important than the other.

I talk a lot about the roles of men and women and you hear me always support the idea of being a strong and independent woman. I do not believe men are better than women or vice versa (maybe I do take my own side occasionally, but come on, girl power and all)!

I was thinking about a young woman I met in Bali who was telling me that her husband forbid her to work so she couldn’t work. We knew each other well and I leant to her and said ‘Where I come from, I do what I want to do, no man can tell me what I can and can’t do’. She laughed because she knew I was telling the truth, but she also laughed because she didn’t believe she could ever get away with having the same attitude. It angered me that people could feel so controlled. That women believed they were lower than men. If I could teach every woman on this planet to stand together and unite and empower each other to understand their worth, I would. I would teach them that no man has the right to take from you, no man should be paid higher than you simply for being a man, no man can control your life.

I believe that a woman should be ambitious and not be defined by a man. She should be educated and follow her dreams. She should be self-sufficient. She should make her own money and have her own career. She should take herself out and spoil herself. She should love herself. She should have choice and control over her own life.

Doesn’t this make me a feminist?

Yet I believe that a man should be the head of the household. The protector, the provider (to a certain extent), the one to take out the rubbish, he should be respected by his kids and they should fear crossing him. I believe a woman should raise the children (however she so pleases of course – she can work or not work that is none of my business). I believe a woman should nurture and care for her man, she should take care of him by being a woman. The love of a woman is different to the love of a man. We both provide different things. Being equal does not mean we are the same. I believe a man should impress and court a woman and she should allow him to do so. I believe anything else emasculates or defeminizes either gender. This is not healthy and not in line with our animal instincts. For me I do not find the idea of carrying my groom over the threshold attractive, I expect him to open a door or pull out a chair. I expect him to be as much of a man to me as I will be a woman to him. That is still equal.

I believe that a traditional and feminist relationship is healthy. Feminism is not about attacking the entire male race. It is not about proving our physical strength to be the same. It is not about becoming a man, but knowing that by being a woman we are as strong and magnificent and powerful as any man could be, but in our own way. The way of a woman. Most men I know and have spoken to, agree with this.

How has the word feminist been changed to this stereotype that most people today believe it means? I myself have pictured this stereotype when hearing the word feminist. I do not now.

What do you think?

WB

Ok, so as you know I wasn’t wasting tears on the Running Man and I was speaking to several other guys from my online dating site and had set up two dates for the weekend. Friday night’s date was with an investment banker I had previously been speaking to around New Year. I had cancelled because things were going so well with Running Man and I wanted to see them out. He invited me to go for a drink around Canary Wharf. I agreed, normally I would meet someone halfway but I just decided to go, it was only an hour on the train. I had been very clearly warned about ‘wanker bankers’ by my friend Unice and had been given some key points to look out for and remember. I was told the following:

  • Their job is to manipulate people so they will be very good at conversation and selling themselves as a nice person.
  • They are very flash so watch out for any kind of bragging about material posessions or anything too impressive.
  • You will be treated very nicely and taken somewhere extremely nice.
  • They are not so good with criticism and are very well aware that investment bankers are referred to as ‘wanker bankers’.
  • They need to be in control and are very arrogant.
  • They typically drive Audi’s.

Now I know it is not fair to tarnish everybody with the same brush but it is also my experience that some stereotypes have developed for a reason. So I was ready.

He came and picked me up from the station in his nice blue Audi convertible, he never mentioned he was driving. He took me to a Radisson Hotel for drinks. He was charming and had very good conversation skills. He threw in a story of his favourite footballer being at one of his parent’s parties growing up and how much it meant to him. He had been through his fair share of pain growing up too and had some real moments of opening up. He didn’t like my friend warning me away from investment bankers and had no idea that investment bankers were given a bad rep, he was quick to belittle her with an assumption of why she would say that too. He led the conversation and very much used my lack of knowledge on a subject that I wasn’t good at against me, which, didn’t work so well for him, I am not afraid of not knowing something.

The evening was lovely and I had a lovely time with him, at the end he was paying for our drinks and I let him, he had been a perfect gentleman and then he turned towards me, not really looking at me and said ‘thanks for offering to pay for the drinks by the way’. I wanted to laugh, a nice way to imply I was in his debt, I replied ‘thanks for meeting me halfway’. He had no reply. This is the instance you know a man is not serious about you. We got into the car and he asked me if my train was still running. I hadn’t even thought about it, it was gone midnight, I normally drove everywhere so I had no idea. I looked on my phone and was trying to read what it was saying when he took the phone from me to have a look (erm I can read thanks) ‘looks like you will have to get buses, well for a small fee of course you are more than welcome to stay at mine’. I laughed and explained that I would be fine getting home even if I had to get buses and said he could just drop me off at the station (thanks for offering to take me somewhere closer – NOT). The next thing I know he is driving through electric gates into a block of flats and into a sheltered car park. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ I asked. He was barely responding and it wasn’t until he had practically parked he asked ‘aren’t we going upstairs to continue talking?’ ‘No we absolutely are not, this is a first date I am not coming into your house’. He didn’t really say much so I was filling in the gaps ‘erm why are you parking, I need to get to the station, smooth move by the way but I am a traditional girl’, he responded ‘I don’t really know what you mean by that but ok……..do you mind if I at least go up to get some water first?’ He asked me in a tone that made me feel like I was being such a complete pain in the backside. ‘By all means YOU can go and get water if you want to.’ I said in a matter of fact tone, he then asked ‘you are really going to stay here while I do that?’ ‘Yes I am, I have told you I am not going into your house.’ What an arsehole, he was trying to make me feel so uncomfortable. Girls should not be guilt tripped into going into a mans house on the first date…or any date for that matter. This was really unacceptable behaviour. He started to drive out of the gates and muttered an apology sulkily under his breath which I made him repeat by pretending not to hear. He was in such a sulk I actually asked him if he was annoyed. Not because I cared if he was but I was intrigued in case he dared to be – he of course said no. He asked me where I wanted him to take me in that same ‘I can’t be bothered to deal with this’ voice and I just told him Canary Wharf station, I didn’t know where else was near. He knew full well there were no trains running and that I didn’t know the area but he wasn’t getting sex so what did he care. It was raining. I had no umbrella. I thanked him for the evening and politely said goodbye even though I was seething, he told me to call him if I got stuck in a tone of voice that let me know he was just being polite. Screw you for your help, I will be just fine! I had to get a bus to Trafalgar Square, when I got there I couldn’t find my next bus stop so I jumped in a black cab to Leicester Square (a whole 5 second journey). From there I got the N20 back to North London so I could walk to get to my car at Totteridge & Whetstone station so I could drive home. I started my journey at about 12:30am and I got home at 3:00am. Thank god for my friend for keeping me company over whatsapp and Aretha Franklin for playing in my ears. I got home and actually laughed at the evening. It had been so eventful that I couldn’t be angry and I had gotten myself home all by myself. I didn’t need a stupid man to take me to a stupid closer station.

I had been thinking of the Running Man the whole way home and how I missed him (stupidly I know). If he had never been such an idiot I wouldn’t even be on this stupid date…..03:20 whatsapp message…..Running Man. What the hell? I thought that chapter was over…………….

 

Well I am sure we will find out Pride. Until then…have a wonderful New Year and be safe, stay merry and have so much fun! I wish you all the chance to learn, grow and make your dreams come true in the year ahead! xxxx